Words fail me when it comes to describe Peterlee

Peterlee is wonderful. Words fail me when it comes to describe Peterlee.

Affectionately known as ‘Mexico City’ because of the avant-garde architecture on the housing estates. Every single house has a sky dish bolted on the side. None works legitimately, everyone is on the fiddle/thieve/drug dealing. You can get virtually anything you want in this town. Bootleg liquor & tobacco, shotguns, counterfeit currency, weapons grade plutonium and leprechauns.

The ****’s are all in an accelerated charvification programme once they are capable of walking. 5 years old and they are fully fledged ****’s complete with alcohol tolerance levels comparable to Oliver Reed in his heyday and a smokers cough to match. **** tattoo’s are endemic on ****’s. Naked women on forearms, anchors, snakes you name it their limbs are adorned with them. The most distinctive traits of the ****’s round here are that none actually smokes ready made cigarettes, it’s all roll-ups (turn up with a twenty box and they think your the landed gentry), very few ‘barry boy’s’ and a distinct lack of burberry, made up for by the ellesse and kappa tracksuits. These people dream of owning mondeo’s. The ********* are standard fayre, greasy hair, very accommodating, corpulent, teeth missing, tracksuit and reebok classic wearing, 15 pairs of elisabeth duke creole earrings in each ear and their first child at 13 that sort of thing.

The town centre is surreal, concrete and on two levels. Pound shops and your frozen food shops are aplenty. Lard and deep fat fryers are good sellers round these parts and judging by the population consumption of bags and bags of Glasgow salad must be mandatory. No bookshops (no point none can read) the newsagents don’t sell papers and the only magazines they sell are for handguns, performance cars, etc.

I have ventured out of an evening and had no trouble at all, your standard pint and a fight night. If you have any trouble just keep a packet of unopened cigarettes handy, throw them down the street and shout “Is that a 20 box regals over there”. Walking home you can witness the jam sandwiches chasing the stolen cars driven by the 12 year old joyriders; Driving prowess I have only witnessed in Peterlee and Hollywood movies. Have you ever seen a montego turbo not only outpace but out handle an area car?

One thing I have noticed though whenever you go there summer or winter it’s always freezing cold. Probably due to the fact that they can’t afford to turn the heating on……ever.

Updated 2017

The original editor forgot to mention the place affectionately known as “the claggy matt” or Vibe, its the only local nightclub that is just a gathering place for the local **** community, its like a gay bar for “radgeys hew”, if you fancy getting yourself stabbed this is the place to be, it’s a sea of neon nike trainers,  yellow teeth and lonsdale track suites from the local sports direct (the only real clothes shop around here hence the track suite dress code).  It’s the only club in the U.K. where the security search you for weapons and if you haven’t got one they will [allegedly] supply you for your own protection!

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