Perth, not the Fairest of them all

Living in Perth
Living in Perth

Perth, not the Fairest of them all

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Perth has been known as the Fair City, this may always have been based on dodgy evidence, but has now become an utter breach of trades description. Dull beyond belief, Perth has over 75% of its population aged over 70. This in itself is not necessarily a problem, but when you add into that the heady mixture of factors that are religious zealots, perverts (i.e. B&B landlords that drill holes in the rooms to watch guests getting their kit off and more), paedophiles, stalkers (oh yes, proper real convicted ones), junkies, jakies (alcoholics to the non-Scots), snobs, bores, Tories, landowners and social climbers, it makes for intolerable living conditions.

Perth town centre is so awful that even Poundshops cannot survive. Ann Summers, that High St staple everywhere else, was closed down in Perth by religious groups of women who think that sex is only to be had at Christmas, and then in the dark, with the lights off and denied on Boxing Day. Thats the ones who are not Jehosephat Somebodys, as they don’t believe in Christmas.
Perth has 2 centrally based residential establishments of note: CATH House and the Waverley Hotel. The latter was indeed once a hotel, now a homeless hostel. Quite why homeless people need to be housed with hookers and junkies is as yet a mystery, but the Waverley can certainly provide entertainment into the wee small hours. CATH House is exclusively for drunks. They are chronic alcoholics, needing a bed for the night. Generally pretty harmless, but in their wisdom, the authorities give them £18 per day to spend on booze. Needless to say this doesn’t often last past 10.00 in the morning, but by then there are plenty of gadgie pubs to sell them more wee drams.
As for the locals, they fall generally into 2 categories: the neds and their entourages and the wannabe snobs, driving cars-on-credit and living in their “ein hoose”. i.e their ein cooncil hoose what they got aff the Council.

Linking nicely into the Cooncil, they havnae got a clue. They think that Perth is still the Fair City and are in complete denial about the levels of lawlessness, street crime, unsociable behaviour and general filth. Let us take the example of recent flooding when the kids playpark on the North Inch was covered in raw sewage, thereby rendering it cleaner than usual. The local Prison (a real prison, not one of these open jobs that prisoners dinnae stay in) provides a never ending supply of new criminals – identified by their see-through plastic bags of belongings (not necessarily their own) heading in the general direction of the bus station – see even they cannot wait to get back to a real city.

One final thought for those who remember Fast and Furious, the movie. In an immortal quote one Perth Ned, attending the (one and only) local cinema, when watching the expensive cars racing around the streets in the film, declared, “Pure mental man, that’s what it’s all aboot, the mean streets of Perth.” Perth, of course, is hicksville.

PS: if you’re thinking of moving to Perth, do yourself a big favour and give it a miss. Not even free personal care fae yer granny is worth this misery.


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