Penzance (Pen Sans)

I’m not a big one on violence but I witnessed one of the funniest **** retributions at the weekend.

Saturday morning, Penzance main street, people doing their Christmas shopping, stopping and chatting on corners; all very nice and civil. I was chatting to a mate when I heard this engine revving (well, more of an exhaust blowing) from behind accompanied by the all-too-familair sound of a ‘un-cha, un-cha, un-cha’ of drum and bass from some ridiculously over-amped car stereo.

Anyway, there’s a pelican crossing by the post office and the law and convention is that you stop to let people cross.

How grim is your Postcode?

Not these twats in a vaguely customised Clio. There were two spotty **** ****** with their underaged bints smoking **** in the back seat as they raced up to the zebra crossing. A granny (well, a lady in her late-60s) was halfway across and the crossing and these ***** either didn’t see her or didn’t care. The wing mirror of the chavmobile caught her arm and she fell; the little ****** driving the wreck had to audacity to peep his horn after he’s hit her and then accelerated off. The little **** was probably still pissed from the previous night’s £1 a drink session at Club2K.

A few of us ran over to help her and I noticed an old boy called Stacks running up the road. Now Stacks in an old time hard nut. Used to be a doorman in the ’70s when local boys would go to clubs just to fight the doormen. He was a rugby player, boxer, farm labourer and a fair bloke. You just didn’t cross him; even now when he’s pushing 55-60.

Anyway, I looked up and the ***** in the Clio had been stopped at a traffic light but were trying to edge out into the traffic. Stacks ran up to the driver’s door, grabbed the spotty ***** by his fake Kappa hoodie through the open window and pulled his head and half his weedy body out through the window.

Then Stacks smacked him. Twice and then twice more to make sure. The sound was like something off a western bar brawl. He pushed the kid’s bruised and broken head back into the car where his **** mate was frantically trying to lock all the car doors and the ********* were screaming ‘leave it aught’, ‘dant hurt him’, ‘wot’s he dun to you?’. The **** driver just sat with his head rested on the steering wheel, blood splattered all over the polished dashboard. He wasn’t knocked out quite as when he pulled his head back, he was actually crying.

Anyway, the whole thing was caught on CCTV and the police turned up. Stacks got arrested for assault but the kid was done for dangerous driving, failing to report an accident, not stopping at the scene of an accident and having no insurance.

The old lady was fine but a bit cut and bruised and the general consensus was that the little ***** got what he deserved.

***** are alien to Cornwall, but the spiecies are multiplying.

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