Pagham: that fieldy place adjacent to Bognor Regis, neighbour to Chichester and the land of “No, you can’t cut across there to get to Selsey.”
If you’re in the lucky 0.8% of the Pagham population who is under 60 years old and doesn’t drive a Nissan Micra at an astounding 15mph, well done. You’ve somehow managed to make a living here despite the endless miles of cow s*** and field dust covering the cars along the main road.
However, if you’re the in the minority of youths who like to exploit the roads at 1am on your mopeds, please remove yourself from the village and eff off back to B-Town with your air max’s. The residents are trying to get in their sleep so they can make it to tesco express at sunrise before “everyone needs to shop there” at that ridiculous time.
But our most proud claim to fame is our what seems to be, five star holiday resort better known as “Church Farm.” Yes, what a beautiful place. Full of livelihood and happy, respectful, sober holiday makers who’ve saved a small fortune to afford a top of the range caravan for the summer. Just kidding. That £5 Sun holiday doesn’t do much favours for us. I’ve genuinely seen naked Londoners running up and down my road screaming “let’s ‘av it you muddy b**tards”.
Let us live in peace. We love the fields. And Alan Titchmarsh. Oh Alan…