Oldham – Nightmare on Yorkshire Street

I think Oldham was best summed up by a friend of mine who upon a visit to this fair town one day remarked that the people of Oldham look as though the government has been performing nuclear testing in the area. I think that speaks volumes.

If you like Ch@vs, then Oldham is the place for you. Around every corner you are likely to find a group of young thugs clad in Burberry, Mckenzie, La Coste and whatever is being sold at the local JD sports. Literally wherever you go you are likely to be met with the words “what you looking at”, followed a swift headbutt to the nose. Or if you are lucky they may only threaten to break your jaw. The town is well equipped for visitors, it has excellent public transport links to the surrounding cities. If you have managed to avoid getting lamped in the bus station and manage to get on a bus then you have done well. Once on the bus you may have to wait a while for the bus to set off, it’s common for the bus driver to have to remind at least one person that you cannot travel without paying, when this happens a showdown between the driver and the would be thief ensues, which usually ends with the police being called or some irate passengers shouting obscenities at the thief and threatening to knock them out.

If you like loud drum and bass or dance music you will love the Oldham buses, the local ner’do’wells don’t seem to know what headphones are. One warning, don’t sit next to the windows if you enjoy your head being attached to your body, it is not uncommon for a brick to come hurling through the window towards it. I myself have encountered this terrifying situation on two occasions (I wish I were lying). The newly introduced metro is an alternative method of transport which offers similar opportunities.

How grim is your Postcode?

If you want culture and sophistication then one should look no further than Yorkshire street and the local shopping centres. Where sports direct is the new Hugo Boss and TJ Hughes is the new Harrods. Many of the local folk are looking for a good bargain such as the put it in your track suit and don’t pay bargain.

The parenting skills of the local populace are unrivalled. It is common to see disobedient kids being quickly put into place by their mothers who employ such tactics as threatening to knock out their kids.

So come to Oldham meet the locals, it will make you feel better about yourself.