Oakham in Rutland, with the motto of ‘Much In Little’, it sounds like a lovely quaint town. Never could an impression be quite so wrong. There is little to see or do in this god forsaken hole, the best thing about it being the fact that there are several roads out of the place. The most recent claim to fame was when it was featured on the national news in 2014 for having the worst Christmas tree in the UK.
The High Street has recently had the cattle-grids removed, allowing the local ‘playas’ to drive their Micras and Fiestas at speeds of up to 25mph, usually with the accompanying soundtrack of Scooter or 2 Unlimited. This top speed is limited by the fact that the towns railway crossings spend around 22 hours of the day closed, with the local signal box operators competing to see if anyone can beat the current record of having 7 miles of queuing traffic.
Shopping is a top priority for the masses of single mums that parade up and down the High Street daily, if it is gyro day then the charity shops tills won’t stop ringing all day. Get in there the day before gyro day and there are some massive savings to be had on Kappa jackets and Adidas popper tracksuit bottoms. Also keep your eye out for the occasional bargain on Fila puffa jackets.
Weekend entertainment, if it could be called that, consists mainly of drinking a variety of alco-pops and strong cider in the vain attempt that you might pass out in the gutter and be taken to a hospital in a town with more going for it. In all honesty a hospital in downtown Kabul would be preferable to spending one more night than absolutely necessary in Oakham. Should you survive past 10pm then you could nip across to Oakham’s famous ‘nightclub’ XY. Here you can be greeted by the town’s own Peter Stringfellow, Mr Sxxxxxx, proprietor of the aforementioned establishment. After taking your £3 entry fee and drawing a smiley face on your hand that even Da Vinci would be proud of you can enter the hotspot of Oakham nightlife. Despite being the smallest bar in western Europe, it has allegedly won several awards for the stickiness of it’s floor. After fighting your way through the crowds of alleged 14 year old girls all flirting with Mr Sxxxxxx or the ‘DJ’, otherwise known as the man who plays the Now XX CD, and finding yourself at the bar, why not try the Oakham speciality, hot lager in a warm plastic cup?