O little town of Bethlehem.(sorry Basildon)

East AngliaEssex

Jesus could not have been born in Basildon. After all, where on earth would you be able to find three wise men and a virgin in Basildon ?

Basildon has long be one of the towns that gave chavdom to the world. People were ***** in Baz, long before anybody had dreamed of using the word beyond the ***** community. Just the names of the three main areas of the new town built to relive the population overspill of London’s East end tell you all you need to know :

Vange, sounds suspiciously like a slang-word for women’s genitalia. The last vestiges of the middle class who moved out years ago may have kidded themselves it was called ‘Varnge’ rather than ‘Vaange’. The main road ‘Long riding’ may have equestrian roots and refer to a gentle canter on horseback, but most residents now presume it refers to the sexual proclivities of Basildon women in their pink leggings and white stilletoes. It was also mentioned in the Doomsday book as a place ‘of thieves and robbers’. Nothing changes.

Laindon, (again pronounced with the long ‘a’) contains such architectural gems as the ‘Alcatraz estate’. By the way, did you know that no resident of Laindon is able play that simple game ‘I spy’ ? This is because a simple game would run like this :

“I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘F’”

“Ummm….******* Floor, ******* window, ******* door, ******* life” etc, etc

Pitsea, the last (and least) of the Baz areas is dominated by two things. Firstly the massive flyover which allows the rest of humanity to avoid the place and secondly the Pitsea market. This market uses the images of **** heros, Del-boy and Rodney with their yellow three-wheeler Reliant Robin van to promote themselves. Here the ***** can easily buy their knocked off perfumes, knocked off DVD’s and other associated **** essential to **** life.

Shopping : Apart from the aforementioned Pitsea market the town centre contains all the **** favourites, whilst the massive boot sales allow Baz’s own version of a recycling to take place (i.e items get nicked on Thursday night, to be re-sold on the Sunday morning – most probably from those it was taken from on the Thursday night). Drugs are easily available from vans with picture windows and a jolly tune, they are also rumoured to sell ice cream.

Transport : A Sherman tank would be the most sensible form of transportation around the town. The bus service is utilised by the residents (no need to say *****, they all are), but beware – a few years ago a person got onto a bus on Long Riding. At the next stop someone got on and stated they wanted that particular seat. Quite reasonably he was told in no uncertain terms to get a seat elsewhere as there were plenty of spare seats. The man was then promptly shot in the leg.

Entertainment : There are several city centre pubs where you can get a pint and a fight. But most ***** will take the train (or nicked car) to that **** playground Southend on the weekend. There the traditional **** pursuits of drinking, fighting and shagging on the beach can take place unhindered. In addition they can face up to the intellectual challenge of putting countless 50p’s into a miniature crane machine to obtain a crappy fluffy toy that could bought for a quid.

Neighbours : The residents of Billericay (pronounced bill-ahh-rick-eeeeee by *****) have found several battles not to be included in the same council as Basildon. They would prefer to be bedfellows with the residents of Brentwood. Seems to me that is the choice between two flys arguing the toss between **** and ****.
On the other hand Baz ***** actually look down on people from Tilbury.

In conclusion let me finish with one last true story. After the tragic death of Diana, Princess of Wales a book of condolence at a local school had to be withdrawn after the first entry (and the writer did not put it down as a joke) wrote :
“I was sorry to hear about the car crash….I hope you get better soon”

All I can say is AFB – average for Basildon.

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