OK, during the week they are hidden. You can still tell who they are but they have been masked by their school uniform (unless of course they are taking part in their favourite pastime- bunking off). Be it Etone, Georgie, Higham Lane, Manor Park or any number of the other schools in and around Nuneaton, they all have a large amount of c***s. Come the weekend, however, and they swarm the town centre dressed up in their customary attire of fake Burberry, (also bought on a Saturday from the cheapo stalls on the market) trackies, bought from either Gilesports of JD sports, caps, the tightest jeans you’ve ever seen and snow boots. And the miles of c**v ‘bling’ bought from Elizabeth duke in Argos, which goes green during the many wet Saturdays we have here in deepest, darkest Nuneaton. Be warned, however, if you fancy a nice burger for your Saturday lunch, do not buy it at McDonalds. Unless you have the urge to be looked down upon by the hundreds of c***s who hang about outside (if it is actually possible to be looked down upon by a c**v!) But if you do actually manage to buy a burger from McDonalds with all your teeth still in tact, do not attempt to try and eat it on the benches around the fountain. Yes, upon hearing this description, benches around a fountain may sound the perfect place to eat your lunch but I’m not sure you would enjoy the backing noise. Instead of birds singing and the sound of quiet, trickling water, all you hear is “ere Chelsea-Leigh have you got any fags” mixed with the shouting from the market stall holders, advertising their offers of “Two pound a pound your strawberries!” Not what you want to hear while you’re eating!
Following your lunch, you may wish to ‘walk it off’ with a stroll around Riversley Park. Fine, providing you enjoy watching where you step to avoid treading on used condoms and God knows what else. Of course you may wish to play a favourite game of mine. Counting condoms. Many a weekday afternoon, while walking home, me and my friends play this game. The rules are simple. Count as many used condoms in Riversley Park as you can. I think my record is 9. Anyway, if you follow the River Anker through the park, past the ‘parked’ trolleys in it and then, on your right, you will find ‘THE BANDSTAND’ I grant you, not only c***s hang out here but, I assure you, there are definitely no bands playing there.
So you like Nuneaton so much you’re thinking of coming to live here! Well, where to live. You can choose from, Stockingford- I have a lot of non-c**v mates who live there but most of the c***s at my school live there. With the favourites hang outs being on Queen’s road at Kwik-save and the numerous down and out hangouts down there- too drab and dangerous to mention. Then there’s Hill Top, this kind of leads on from Stockingford. Not quite as bad I don’t think. The favourite hangout down there has got to be what was the happy shopper. I don’t know if it still is!
But, by far, the worst c**v residential area is camp hill, or tramp hill as it is more locally known. Basically a large ex-council estate. Seriously look in the ‘free paper’ *picks up the weekly tribune and flicks to estate agents pages* A house in cedar road only £79 000! A bargain of anybody’s money! Probably because no1 wants to live there, But don’t get me wrong there are so me lovely old dears living there. Probably been there for years and are to scared to move! My Nan lives on the outskirts of Tramp hill- on Tramp Hill road. This is actually part of Tuttle hill not Tramp Hill. But she still gets the riff raff from the estate. They should be locked up! Every last one of them!
So I hope you have enjoyed your virtual tour around my town! Why not visit???? What? You don’t want to? I am surprised!