Everything a modern Chav needs !

The fact that Northampton proudly claims to be England’s largest town should give you some indication of what to expect as you arrive at the station , tucked in between rusting gastowers and rundown warehouses on the edge of town. Follow the chavs by skipping over the barrier and you’re in.

Northampton is a quaint county town , the main centre features a Wren like domed 17th century church , with many old well restored buildings surrounding the open market and cobbled streets which stop just short where they have been CONCRETED OVER and enclosed into not one but THREE Chavfriendly malls !! Multiple Mcdonalds and poncho clad slappers nestle together as the throbbing mass of Townie Britain pushes its way way through into another Saturday afternoon of creditabuse and spending that loan from Ocean Finance.

How to quickly tell how Chavvy a town is ? Count the goths / greebos / crusties etc. As we all know the Goth is nature’s antichav. Where you will find Chavs the goths will rebel. They are needed to balance the Ying / Yang in the galaxy. They form from the disaffected middleclass kids who need to rebel in face of so much chavness at their local comp.I reckon the correct mix is about 5 chavs to one Goth. Well this can be useful as Goths are very easy to spot at distances. In Northampton they can be found in their HUNDREDSS hanging out at top of the town every saturday. Like wildebeest awaiting their Chav hunters. But these brave Goths are clearly in enemy territory as they choose to spend their day waiting outside Primark. However as it’s pedestrian they are at least safe from Garywagons and customised Corsas. But as dusk falls their numbers lessen and the chavs begin to circle…

There are 3 Malled areas , all with a kind of Chav Heirachy. Top of the tree is Grosvenor with it’s own Mcdonalds and full of HMV / VIRGIN DVD nicking chances.It’s continental style cafe is jam packed with weary mothers taking a well earned rest from their GCSE revision by parking their prams and enjoying a sauagse roll and a Mayfair in front of the wildly optimistic No smoking signs.

The lesser frequented Peacock Place ( such glamour ) is much more downmarket and only for the poorest of chavs ( although it does back onto a BurgerKing). The Third is barely covered but has not only an Argos but a TK Max as well for all a chav could ever need.

I should also mention the one way system. This cleverly designed urban monster enables the chav and chavette to lap town endlessly showing his or her tooled up wheels to the bewildered general public (who are all chavs as well actually)

As a West Cumbrian fully familar with Workington (surely the most concentrated place on earth of ChavEvil ) I know what it takes to keep chavs happy. Northampton has everything they could ever want. Weatherspoons , Chicagos Chav Cafe and Lloyds Bar galore, endless mobile phone shops, even a few Kosovan immigrants to kick the s**t out of.

Please other Nortampton residents let me know your thoughts. Are any of you not Townie scum ?



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