Newport, Gwent


Let me take you on a tour of the C**v Hell that is Newport, Gwent.

Let’s start in Spytty (pronounced Spitty, nice touch eh? Retail Park – Packed with C**v haunts such as MegaBowl, Poundstretcher, Kwik Save and JB Sports it’s easy to start a c**v spotting tour here. The pushchairs and trackie bottoms abound. The young c***s sit on walls smoking, drinking and bonus! When the shops close, they try to kill theirselves by speeding round the car parks in their Metros – Go Faster stripes obligatory.

Sod this, let’s get the bus into town, we arrive at the bus station, best places for C***s are the Ringland (Number 8), Bettws (Number 18) anywhere that goes up to ‘The Valleys’ and the Duffryn (No 3) queues. Although c**v spotting is usually also available in all the queues.

As we walk up the stinking of piss stairway into John Frost Square and almost get knocked over by random young c***s, we arrive in the square itself and hey! It’s a veritable ‘Pride of C***s’ situation (What is a group of C***s called anyway?) Ah, shame the off licence closed, the c***s used to like a bit of White Lightning to while the day away in the Square.

Walk towards the Clock seating area for Single Mum C**v Hell, they park up the pushchairs and have a fag, it’s Claaaaaaaaaassy to sit ‘in the square’ dont ya know? Even Claaaaaaaasier if you have a bag of chips from Vacaras!!!

Walk into the Kingsway shopping centre, walk down the the In Shops, WARNING! The In Shops are for seasoned professional C**v Spotters ONLY!! The single mum ‘clock sitters’ congegate in the cafe when it’s raining, thoughtfully it even has a seating area for pushchairs in the smoking area! How considerate!

Walk quickly through the in shops, marvelling at the cheap jewellry store, the amusement aracade and the various compulsory ‘C**v Attire’ clothing stores.

As you walk out, you will be greeted with the warm and welcoming sight of ARGOS!!! The C**v Mecca!!!!!!!

God Help us all….

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