Let me take you on a tour of the Chav Hell that is Newport, Gwent.
Let’s start in Spytty (pronounced Spitty, nice touch eh? Retail Park – Packed with Chav haunts such as MegaBowl, Poundstretcher, Kwik Save and JB Sports it’s easy to start a chav spotting tour here. The pushchairs and trackie bottoms abound. The young chavs sit on walls smoking, drinking and bonus! When the shops close, they try to kill theirselves by speeding round the car parks in their Metros – Go Faster stripes obligatory.
Sod this, let’s get the bus into town, we arrive at the bus station, best places for Chavs are the Ringland (Number 8), Bettws (Number 18) anywhere that goes up to ‘The Valleys’ and the Duffryn (No 3) queues. Although chav spotting is usually also available in all the queues.
As we walk up the stinking of piss stairway into John Frost Square and almost get knocked over by random young chavs, we arrive in the square itself and hey! It’s a veritable ‘Pride of Chavs’ situation (What is a group of Chavs called anyway?) Ah, shame the off licence closed, the chavs used to like a bit of White Lightning to while the day away in the Square.
Walk towards the Clock seating area for Single Mum Chav Hell, they park up the pushchairs and have a fag, it’s Claaaaaaaaaassy to sit ‘in the square’ dont ya know? Even Claaaaaaaasier if you have a bag of chips from Vacaras!!!
Walk into the Kingsway shopping centre, walk down the the In Shops, WARNING! The In Shops are for seasoned professional Chav Spotters ONLY!! The single mum ‘clock sitters’ congegate in the cafe when it’s raining, thoughtfully it even has a seating area for pushchairs in the smoking area! How considerate!
Walk quickly through the in shops, marvelling at the cheap jewellry store, the amusement aracade and the various compulsory ‘Chav Attire’ clothing stores.
As you walk out, you will be greeted with the warm and welcoming sight of ARGOS!!! The Chav Mecca!!!!!!!
God Help us all….