Let me take you on a tour of the **** Hell that is Newport, Gwent.
Let’s start in Spytty (pronounced Spitty, nice touch eh? Retail Park – Packed with **** haunts such as MegaBowl, Poundstretcher, Kwik Save and JB Sports it’s easy to start a **** spotting tour here. The pushchairs and trackie bottoms abound. The young ***** sit on walls smoking, drinking and bonus! When the shops close, they try to **** theirselves by speeding round the car parks in their Metros – Go Faster stripes obligatory.
Sod this, let’s get the bus into town, we arrive at the bus station, best places for ***** are the Ringland (Number 8), Bettws (Number 18) anywhere that goes up to ‘The Valleys’ and the Duffryn (No 3) queues. Although **** spotting is usually also available in all the queues.
As we walk up the stinking of piss stairway into John Frost Square and almost get knocked over by random young *****, we arrive in the square itself and hey! It’s a veritable ‘Pride of *****’ situation (What is a group of ***** called anyway?) Ah, shame the off licence closed, the ***** used to like a bit of White Lightning to while the day away in the Square.
Walk towards the Clock seating area for Single Mum **** Hell, they park up the pushchairs and have a ***, it’s Claaaaaaaaaassy to sit ‘in the square’ dont ya know? Even Claaaaaaaasier if you have a bag of chips from Vacaras!!!
Walk into the Kingsway shopping centre, walk down the the In Shops, WARNING! The In Shops are for seasoned professional **** Spotters ONLY!! The single mum ‘clock sitters’ congegate in the cafe when it’s raining, thoughtfully it even has a seating area for pushchairs in the smoking area! How considerate!
Walk quickly through the in shops, marvelling at the cheap jewellry store, the amusement aracade and the various compulsory ‘**** Attire’ clothing stores.
As you walk out, you will be greeted with the warm and welcoming sight of ARGOS!!! The **** Mecca!!!!!!!
God Help us all….