Written by Anonymous. Posted in Uncategorised

The setting for many a chav related myth Newcastle is actually a brilliant example of how to control the chavs.
Newcastle is a place that carries with it a lot of emotional baggage the mere thought of the Geordies inspires terror in most southerners and even amongst the more resilient they still enjoy an aura of fear which surronds them. However Geordies are bloomin marvellous. Whilst they can get drunk and agressive and there are areas of the toon where outsiders are not tolerated their propensity for scaring off chavs is brilliant.
Couple that to a particularily healthy infestation of Goths and Sk8trs (note to chavtowns.co.uk this a name of their own divising and I am wholly committed to the Campaign against txt spk) and the chav numbers are nicely controlled. Skaters and Goths have come in for some abuse on chavtowns and chavscum but I am heartened by their presences. they as groups are far less agressive and whilst their styles are a little perplexing to me I am alway glad of their presence in newcastle as they have barred chavs from their usual hangouts. The goths have claimed the park out side the two major shopping centres (think of it two shopping centres full of chav boutiques which are border the same small bit of parkland yet nary a chav in sight, just lots of mellow, happy goths minding their own business!) and the Skaters have the war memorial outside the Haymarket metro station. With the open spaces outside their usual hangouts occupied the chavs are unable to congregate and as you all know the only way to beat the chavs is divide and conquer.
another key to newcastles success is the Students. With an extremely high proportion of posh students (nearby jesmond is known as kensington upon tyne), as well as a huge number of intelligent people with a wide variety of music tastes, the chavs are no longer the dominant force in the night out stakes. The students and the geordies enjoy an alliance of convienience which keeps clubs and bars from being dominated by chavs. The classic example of this is quayside where the three main clubs, sea, baja beach club and the tuxedo princess (aka the boat) would in any lesser city be chav infested holes but with brilliant bouncers and a mix of clientele the chav tide has turned, newcastle has stood firm like a lighthouse in the storm.
Elsewhere also the backbone of the chav revolution has been broken. Newcastle has a thriving arts cinema showing films with plots and *gasp* dialogue, there are a number of excellent alternative music venues like the jazz cafe and world headquarters, the geordies fondness for drinking (the north east has the highest rate of alcohol consumption in the country) means thatnot one city centre pub has fallen to the chavs, there are different and varied beers available and whilst the alchopops are available they are drunk by students rather than chavs, with far less violent results.
However I will balence this glowing report with a cautionary tale, in the greater tyneside area the chavs hold complete sway they are often seen on the metro as they pass through the resiliant city to the outlying suburban towns which crawl with chavs repleat in all the chav cliches you could lay down. (newcastle Utd shirts replace the hackett staples but the style is still recognisable). Even within newcastle and the surrounding safe zones like gosforth, the chavs still wander in quite large numbers.
But Newcastle has shone a light, it has discovered how to keep the chavs at bay, DIVIDE AND CONQUER, if it worked for the british empire it can damn well work for us! The chav menace relies on one thing more than any other, if chavs are allowed to gather on mass, even if it is only in one place then they have a toe hold and that is all they need to establish themselves. The Geordies have cracked this, intentionally or not, by denying that first toe hold to be set up.
In the past, The Dukes of Northumberland and his armies were among the most feared fighting men Britain could muster and the time has come once again to follow their lead into battle. So come all you good people, rally round the Black and White Banner of the North, Where ever a chav centre is developing resist it, go to the club and request good tunes again and again, write down playlist and request them all, get mates to do likewise. take all your mates to their pubs and make your presense felt. Plan your strategy well ,drive them out of the outskirts of their domain, reclaim their lesser pubs where their hold is less strong then force them inwards, it may take time, years even but there are more of us than them and we can win. As battles are won, and the tide is slowed, more and more normal decent folk will emerge from hiding and take back this Great Nations citys and towns. Encourage the Goths and the Skaters (for pete’s sake why is it that chavs have over taken the skate parks of this land, skate parks should be skater strong holds, fortresses of only mildly annoying skater rock, baggy trousers, wolly hats in summer and silver). If your are a goth or a skater, accept your role as soldiers in this counter revolution, take back the streets.
We may never get rid of chavs but Newcastle has shown us that we don’t have to capitulate to them. Brothers and Sisters unite, the time has come to say ENOUGH, we are tired of having to live behind closed doors, unable to enjoy our town centres or parks, we a fed up of the allegations that we were looking at or fancy some 15yr old skank with a scrapeback ponytail and 3 kids, we are fed up of having to avoid confrontation with an illiterate innumerate acne ridden chav because there is a pack of similar miscreants nearby who’d happily kick your head in to relieve the boredom that consumes their souls because they find Tweenies too intellectual. So let us man the barricades, draw a line in the sand and proclaim the rise of the Chav OVER, their day is done, The sun is shall set on the Chav empire, and We the Good people of this Great Nation shall leave all that they have created in ashes.

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