Newark - iLiveHere: Best & Worst UK Towns Reviewed

My poor step-children have to live in this god-forsaken, ****-ridden scumhole.

The ********** amongst these ‘people’ has got so out of hand it would seem that there are ‘people’ in this town who are their own fathers.

My eldest (non-****) step-daughter was out with some friends on Friday night and was picked on by some drunken little ******** because she thought my step-daughter was “giving her the evils”…the drunken little trollope ended up beating and head-butting my step-daughter for no reason whatsoever.

How grim is your Postcode?

I’ve just been talking to my step-daughter, who has been considering how best this country might resolve the Chavish ‘Problem’. She suggested we might send them to the front line when we next go to war, telling them that their bling will act as shields…I would go one step further and recruit them as suicide bombers…the first place I would send them to bomb is Newark, Notts!

INNIT!!!

Top 20 most depressing towns in Britain 2024

A short time ago I had the misfortune to visit the town of Newark in Nottinghamshire. All I can do is extend my deepest sympathies to all the ‘normal’ residents of this pile of purest ****** ****.

I was only in the town for a couple of hours (thought it would make a nice change from the **** habitat called Huntingdon) yet I managed to count a total of 9 purebreed pedigree ***** ******* outside Somerfield, smoking spliffs (probably some sage and onion stuffing mix from Somerfield) while tucking into a pasty from the Bakers Oven and trying to look hard.

When I returned to the litter strewn (bet it’s the *****) Northgate station for my train home I encountered a group of 4 ***** (two boys, two girls) etching their ‘sigs’ into the windows of the waiting shelter on the platform and groping each other with impunity.

How grim is your Postcode?

Not nice…

So, despite the fact that I was only a visitor to this town I was left in little doubt that Newark is the second biggest dump I have ever been to (after Huntingdon) and that its possession of a name that is an anagram of ****** was extremely appropriate.

I suspect I won’t be visiting Newark again, if I can help it.