Mischief night, Halloween and Bonfire Night, all scally/**** religious festivals

When September ends and the nights get darker I suddenly get an icy chill through my veins. It has nothing to do with the weather, it is because the scally festivals of Mischief night, Halloween and Bonfire night begin. It is the perfect excuse for them to run riot in the name of “tradition”. So begins a six week festival with as much devotion as devout Christian or Muslim pays to Lent or Ramadan respectively. They lead up to the actual days with a taste of what will actually happen on the nights of these “festivals”

I used to “celebrate” Mischief night myself when I was in my early teens but all it involved was throwing bags of flower at people I didnt like (normally some lad who had kicked me playing football in the park). However, under no circumstances did I:

A). **** the living **** out of a pensioner/war veteran
B). Burgle one of the neighbours houses
C). Set a pit bull on a defenceless cat and film in being mauled to bits on my cameraphone
D). Smash up bus shelters/phone boxes/shops
E). Turn over a mini with 6 of my tracksuit clad mates
F). **** up someone who was minding their own business with a dozen of my mates and nearly blind them by deliberately smashing them in the face whilst they were wearing glasses, nor would I have done it if they hadn’t been wearing glasses.
G). Make people **** scared to venture out of their house after 6 pm.

How grim is your Postcode?

Yes, the great Mischief night, one night of the year where scallies can justify themselves acting like the twats they are. Who actually invented this, is this behaviour in homage to the great scally god of Lacoste or Reebok?

Then of course there is Halloween, trick or treat – the great US import. I don’t mind this actually, its nice to see little kids enjoying themselves but I draw the line at anyone over the age of 14 begging for stuff (including money and ciggies) as it is taking the piss big time. I am unsure whether they are actually the older brothers and sisters of the kids or their parents, if you politely decline their professional begging requests you are verbally abused and told that you will have your windows bricked in when sitting down to watch Eastenders. Nice.

Bommy night! – Scallies must get turned on for months before this, they must get sexual pleasure from buying fireworks then knowing that they can fire them at cars, cats, buses, people and in some thick ***** cases the evening easyjet flight to Barcelona from Liverpool John Lennon/Speke airport!

Of course the lead up to bommy night would not be complete without the age old ****/scally pastime of “penny for the guy”. I have witnessed people doing this as early as the 27th of September, starting earlier every year to buy weed and ciggies, in 5 years time it will start on the 28th of August.

I have noticed the declining standards of guys over the past few years too, even begging with a theme has been touched by apathy. Compare a guy in 1990 who would have a proper body, paper mache legs a guy fawkes hat and a proper mask. Fast forward to 2005, now guys are so piss poor it is unbelieveable. I am sure Guy Fawkes would never have attempted to blow up Paliament knowing that someone would celebrate it by creating an effigy of him out of a pair of Reebok classics, tracksuit bottoms stuffed with kwik save bags, a body made out of a full binbag, wearing an Everton shirt from 1996 with “Ferguson” on the back and have a burst footy with a Darth Maul mask for a head.

The actual celebration takes on epic proportions in the 3 weeks leading up to bommy night. For instance, irresponsible shopkeepers sell fireworks to ratboys safe in the knowledge that they are not going to be used in any local council organised event. Of course not! I have even witnessed 3 scallies thinking they are John Rambo using a plastic pipe over their shoulders to fire rockets out of!!! – in this instance they were firing them at cars until a police car rolled up – none had the bottle to fire one at the police car though. I am sure that the police would have a tray in the car to deflect the rockets ala Jason Statham in “The Transporter”.

The fires are always a scally hot spot (no pun intended). They roam the streets looking for things to nick so they can put on their bonfire, some polite young chap actually asked us before nicking wood out of the garden so you cannot say all scallies are without manners. The fires usually get out of hand and someone phones the fire brigade, this of course is where the fun begins.

Firefighters are normally pelted with bricks, spat at, punched, kicked and threatened simply for trying to stop the whole neighbourhood getting torched, that of course will not register with any of these thick ***** as they are seen as “killjoys” so it is perfectly acceptable to destroy firefighting equipment and try to **** up someone doing their job. In Turkey the police use pressurised water as torture – i cannot see why it should not be allowed here.

If at all some firefighter does put out your fire you can always get some rockets and shoot them at them or throw bangers (mini over-the counter grenades) at them.

Even post bommy night you are not spared the fireworks as they have probably bought/robbed in bulk and need to use them up. I heard so many bangs and explosions the other night I thought I was living in Baghdad.

Ah well, can’t wait ’til next year!!!!

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