Considered by many as the birthplace of the C**v, Midsomer Norton is the penulmtimate destination for the C**v hunter. I am writing this letter with a small tear in my eye because ……i was once a C**v. It started when i was 14 and lasted untill i was 16. Not a day goes by when i don’t sit down and hate myself for at least an hour for being a C**v. Midsomer Norton is a town near Bristol so just by virtue of its location it becomes a hive for C***s. The town is really one long high street with the usual collection of C**v shops and takeaways and Pubs. To really see the C**v in its natural habitat you need to visit the High street around 12.00 noon on a saturday but be warned!! At this hour you will see C***s who are out shop lifting and C***s trying to get served underage for cider. C***s will be everywhere and so will be there tell tell signs like spit on the floor and chewing gum and smashed glass and chocolate bar wrappers.
Keep a close eye on the bus shelter at a place called ‘the island’ remove all thoughts of palm trees and beach from your mind because this ‘Island’ contains only a bus shelter and approx 15-40 C***s at any given time. They will be wearing the usual assortment of cheap rip off clothes with names like Nickleson and Mckenzie or something, Burberry caps, gold chains worn outside are standard features. Its strange how they gather under the bus shelter even when its not raining and when the buses are not running? As for the physical appearance of the ‘Norton C**v’ look for a sickly pale compexion with scrawny underweight or bloated and fat no doubt a product of the special high carb diet that the C**v will live on. Most of the Norton female C***s will be shameless in their effort to promote thier sexuality wearing very little clothes with slogans such as ‘i suck it good’ and ‘i am horny” or “i take sweets from strangers”. Midsomer Norton has two secondary schools and both seem to churn out more and more Chavsters with every passing year. I have written a letter to the Local council asking if we could perhaps designate certain areas of the town as a “C**v free zone” in an effort to restore back the town to the few remaing good people of the area. Perhaps a good website idea would be to help the few of us left that arent C***s by posting “C**v free zones” that are around the country, i for one would love to visit a C**v free zone and would consider it as a holiday destination. To enter in to a C**v free zone one may have to answer certain questions like “Who was Margaret Thatcher”? or where is Gibraltar?. this would turn away 90% of the C***s immediately. I must go now as i have to take my pet bit bull for a walk and my shell suit is just finished in the tumble dryer and besides Mcdonalds closes in half an hour.