Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in North West

My home town is Middleton which is just outside of Greater Manchester and is home to the most scum sucking chavs around!!
According to my parents some five-six years ago Middleton or “Middy!” as chavs call it used be a really nice and peaceful town before the CHAVS invaded!
How chavs came to invasde us……..some four years ago a huge fake gold bling bling came crashing down to earth with eminem blaring out of it. it slowly opened and out stepped loads of chavs, chavette’s and Chavlings (a chavs kid) and so chavs came to inherit Middleton!

First you have the area in which I live. It is a small council estate called Hollin. Ooposite my house are some blocks of flats which are occupied by, yes, you guessed it……..CHAVS!
Then you have the shops near my house. this is a very popular hang out spot for local chavs to hang out and ask people to go into the shop to get them “ten lambert and a bottle of cider or I’ll get me cousin to knock you out!” in other words scaring the local residents and shouting “GOFFFFFFFF!” To anyone seen wearing a black hoodie or baggy combat pants…….trust me, i have fallen victem to this abuse!
Every now and again the local Chavs burn a car out. From my bedroom window I can see a flume of black smoke from behind a hill and loads of Chavs descending down their. I dunno it must be some kind of social gathering to watch a car burn……..How exciting! And then the smell of burnt rubber and exhaust fumes linger in the air for days afterwards.

Every friday and saturday night you can see a gang of chavs hanging around near the shops acting all drunk and high and getting off with Shaz who will open her legs for anyone for a bottle of Lambrini.
A Chavs favourite tipple has got to be either cider or lambrini. If they’re feeling rich ie their Sickness Benefits and Child Benefit has just come through then it’s definately alcopops!

A chav lads typical uniform cinsists of a pair of Nike tracksuit pants that are tucked inside their Daffy Duck socks and with a HUGE pair of them daft Nike shocks trainer thingies! Then they were a dark coloured Henry Lloyed or Fred Perry Hoodie with a base ball cap with the peak facing North or North West. Around their knecks they wear fake gold thick chains along with soveriegns on their fingers and a gold bracelt they must think they’re Mr T! Oh yes and another thing that confuses me about these strange creatures……why do male chavs always walk around with their hands down the front of their pants? To protect what little manhood they posess!
Male Chavs also always have big huge bright red love bites on their necks and think they look like studs with this great big awful things on their necks bleh!!

The chavettes are just as bad! A chavettes uniform consists of skin tight denim jeans with them daft furry boots that look like yeti’s feet. They tuck their jeans into the boots. A tight fittng denim jacket is worn and is only ever buttoned up to just underneath their padded out bras. Chavettes seem to have a HUGE problem with forgetting their own names as they have to where these gold chains that say Gemma or Jenny on it just in case they happen to forget their names lol! A chavettes hair is always slapped to their heads and tight in a HUGE bun at the back of the head. at the front they have these two long bits hanging down……why? They favour silver eyeshadow with loads of thick mascara and stink of Charlie Red perfume. Chavette’s keep their belongings (or stolen goods) in a Burberry bag or a Louis Vouton thingie bag and clutch is close to them under their arm pits……like anyones gonna steel a Chavettes handbag!
Chavs have a certain style of walking. they walk as if they have a bad case of piles, a severe balance defect and with their mouth half open.
Should you piss a chav off in the street then he will take out his aggression on a post box.

Chavs like to hang out at bus stops and smash the glass…….it probably gives them some sense of power when they smash a window or write their name in marker pen on the glass.
an why oh why do chavs always have wierd nick names like “Smiffy” or “Jonesy” or “Stotty” or “Doddy” ? ? ? ? ?

Middleton town centre is a wash with Chavs, Chavettes and Chavlings at the weekend. When a chav is shopping or steeling in Middleton then there’s three places a chav can eat….McDonalds, Greggs or Hamsons. The most popular sight in Middleton is seeing a chav walk around in his/her/its uniform scoffing a meat and potato pasty in a paper bag and saying “Orrrr this is well nice!”
ISL Lifestyle, Simon One, Argos, The In Shops and The Poundshops are a chavs favourite place to buy I mean shoplift from……mainly because their own kind are emplyed in these kind of shops.

On a week day you can expect to see Chavettes pushing around a HUGE graco pushchair with a young Chavling insde drinking a bottle of bright red juice and an elder chavling riding on the back of the pushchair whilst mummy chavette tries to push the buggy up the road to the Sure Start club to claim her free milk tokens and get a discount on Pampers baby dry nappies and to chat to other Chavettes about whos shagging who and the latest gossip on Footballers Wives. The chavette wears three quater legnth skin tight pedal pushers to show off her fat arse, a pair of worn out rock port shoes without socks (eewww) some fake gold rings that she stole from her neighbour and a huge oversized Helly Hansen waterproof coat. after the sure start meeting it’s to the family planning clinic to get The Pill and twenty free condoms and also a check up on her genital warts.
Now she is off to the job center to sign on yet again. Her eldest Chavling (Kiaren) starts to play up so she gives him a packet of Jelly Tots to calm him down but the sugar makes him even worse.
“I want McDonalds!” the chavling screaches as they leave the job center with yet another Giro cheque. Mum ignores him until he starts kicking a lamp post and ruining his brand new Nike Shock trainers.
Mum threatens to “KICK HIS F*****G HEAD IN THE LICKLE S**T!” but she caves in and buys the bratt a McDonalds to shut him up and threatens to tell dad about him…….if she can figure out who he actually is…….her fourteenth birthday is such a haze these days!

When a chav gets board of Middleton then they hop onto the Chav Express and go to Rochdale or Manchester. Bus number 17 is the Chav Express. If you get on this bus then you will see three Chavs or Chavettes oocupiying the back seat whilst writting KEV WOZ ERE LUVIN GEMMA 2K5 and rolling a spilff up. A double decker bus is the worst! The chavs occupy the upstairs of a bus and woe betide you if you dare to sit up stairs!

A Chavs car is one of those kitted up Fiesta type thingies with blacked out gangter style windows and a bright blue light shining on the underneath onto the road. A Chav sits with the drivers seat pushed as far back from the stearing wheel as posible so he can just about see over the dashboard. He plays Eminem, 50Cent, Ja Rule, Ashanti, Jamelia and f**k knows what else blasting out of his sound system and trying to rap along to it. He beeps his horn at any Chavette who is wearing tight pants or a skirt and yells something to them in his native Chav Tongue.

Chavs like to drink……no s**t duh!! Chavettes get dressed up to the maximum so they can try and get served in Witherspoons. They were a short tight denim skirt with them daft furry boots, a top that if she bends over her tits will fall out and her hair is down and straight, usually greasy and with split ends coz she straightens it too much. Also she has huge roots where her natural dark brown colour is growing back and her bleach blonde hair is fading. She has a very dodgy looking tan from spending too long on the sun bed or applying self tanning products so she looks like Dave Dickenson from Bargain Hunt =D A chavettes top is always one that shows her midrift off, she breaths in so to stop her flab from having two babies to two different Chavs from hanging over and her pierced Belly button looks very red and angry.
The Chavette enters the pub with her fellow Chavette. The approach the Bar together. The bartender asks them for ID. Of course they don’t have any ID as they are only fifteen so they get chucked out by the bouncer but not before mouthing off to them in some kind of freaky Chevette Language! Trust me, this is very funny to watch =D

If a Chav/Chavette actually gets let into a night club then they drink nothing but alcopops and then go and show off their drunken moves on the dancefloor.
Chavs seem to have wierd ways of dancing, the ‘Box’ dance is very popular although recently they have been favouring the Stacking the Shelves dance becasue after all, most of them work at Tesco stacking shelvs anyway?!?!?!
The Chavettes seem to think they are Christina Aguwhatever on the dnacefloor. Shaking their asses to How You Like Base and thinking they’re dead sexy. it’s at this point i think “S**t! What the f**k am i doing in Sol Viva?” and get my arse down to Siberia instead safely away from these creatures!!!

You can tell when a Chavs phone is ringing as its non other than the crazy frog…….BA DING DING DING DING DING DING DING BAAAAAA BODOM and they all huddle around this mobile phone laughing at it and tying to imitate it……JUST ANSWER THE F*****G PHONE YOU PRICK!!!!!

Right well, thats my view on chavs. enjoy!!!


Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in North West

The sunny town of Middleton has developed a rather special breed of chav. The population are the bastard descendants of some of the worst vermin humanity has to offer.
Continue reading “Middleton” »


Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in North West

They tried so hard with Middleton. Back in the day, they built one of the first ‘Arndale’ centres – people flocked for miles around to sample this new, modern, concrete environment. They put flowers and benches in the precinct, built a community centre, investments were made and the future was bright.

But there was one problem, the council houses were just too close by – a haven and a mecca for the poverty stricken underclass who have made it their own: Langley estate.

A no-go area for all but the Chaviest pikeys, and witness to more stabbings, shootings and ford Fiesta soupings then anywhere alse in the North West, bar Salford. The place is complete with it’s own drop in centre – busy daily handing Methadone/morning after pill cocktails for all pre-pubescent chavettes. The streets here are littered with needles, burn outs and dead staffy dogs.

When the Charvster hangover subsides, a trip to the town centre is on the cards; to join the chav gangs hanging around in smoking competitions, vying for the kudos that comes with finding the most extreme technique in sucking the living daylights out of the smuggled ‘tabs.’ A combination of cultural evolution and extreme poverty has resulted in a highly complicated ‘fag share’ scheme – but when this fails, an intimidating approach to an office worker on his lunch is made: “eeyar mate got a fag or what mate eeyar?” The accent of these people canot be explained – a faux Manchester drawl quite different to the normal people living only half a mile up the road but a standard met by all chavsters as consistently as the tracky pants and the Rockport boots.

The Arndale itself has a strangely intimidating fairground atmosphere, the flavour of the shops is pound shop/fetid meat with the majority of units empty. The only thriving business here is ‘Stolen from Ivor’ – a clothes shop specialising in the Chav brand uniform. In this, their natural habitat, keep your head down and move quickly, your non-Burberry outfit will mark you out as prey for the peasants bent on nicking your mobile; eye contact is a no-no, become the grey man and think stealth.

Mid afternoon the Chavs will head over to Wetherspoons to join their fathers (who have been there since 11am) in drinking themselves to a frenzied stupor. After some gratuitous community violence, it’s back to the midden for a violent clash with the family, rip off your police supplied Chav tag and then back to prison next day for breaking your ASBO.