Living in Melton Mowbray. Leicestershire

Melton Mowbray! Yes that’s right home to the beloved Pork Pie, which are grotty and full of congealed pork offal at the best of times, a striking similarity can be made with the quiet market town nestled in the heart of the Leicestershire countryside. A picturesque town spoilt only by the crappy selection of Charity shops and the abundance of Chav’s! The usual mob of half baked neandertal’s loiter around the side of the British Legion coincidentally outside McDonalds, with not one GCSE in Car Theft to share between them (they spelt their names wrong on the exam paper, how hard can it be to spell Brit-neh?). Their general past times include chomping down a ‘phat Mac’er’, nicking cider from Mori’z or urinating on the local residents.

The night life is typical of a Market town, several pubs attracting a plethora of weird and wonderful clientele, with a smattering of Chavyness should you look in the right places (Kings Head, Lion, Black Swan). The Chavs can usually be identified by their cheap bling and dodgy home executed hair cuts. Occasionally a Chav may be sporting a tattoo on the forearm in a foreign script which unbeknown to them reads something like ‘My mother is my sister’, after they got their chavy dyslectic mate to perform this procedure at home with a darning needle and a biro. The Chavs drink of choice is normally what ever they can steal whilst walking around an establishment or if they feel like splashing out, bottle of warm VK gutrotter.

When you have had enough of the delightful pubs you can scoot along to the mighty ‘toobs’. The phrase ‘ar y’gain up toobs’ will often been heard whilst on a night out around Melton and it refers to the single most chavy night club in the country nee the world. Get in before 11pm else you’ll be charged a lady (£5) for sampling this delicacy of flat larger and Smashie and Nicey on the decks. What can I say, if Carlsberg Oxfam did nightclubs . . . the decor is well interesting. Stevie Wonder probably could have made a better job. Never fear though ‘We’ll have no trouble here’ the local boys in blue are usually on hand to make sure that any fights that break out between the bouncers are broken up quickly, leaving the Chav’s and good citizens of Melton to batter the living crap out of each other in peace. After the club you can ‘go up’roaad’ause’ for an hour of extra cruddy music and piss soaked dance floors, or you can sample some of the delightful eateries, yummy chips with special mayo. Whilst you’re staggering home tucking in to your kanine kebab you may be lucky enough to spot some Chav’s doing burnouts in their mothers Nova/Coursa, if they are from a deprived family they may be using Grannies invalid scooter. Meep Meep indeed.

If you would really like to take a insight to a chavveh lifestyle you could also take a trip to Colditz where everyone seems to think they are in a GANG but in actual fact they are all just upset that mummy is 20 stone and doesnt work and dad is in prison for being a a p***y and robbing the local tesco express. Many of these Chavs wear clothes that have never been washed yet alone ironed. You will spot these people in the town centre trying to intimidate old ladys or younger kids whilst they get upset if another person is wearing nice clothes.

There is so much chavyness to indulge in this marvellous little town, why not go there today?

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