Malden Manor, Surrey

South EastSurrey

Old Malden and Worcester Park are both perfectly pleasant places to live, yet nearby Malden Manor is a cold sore on the genitals of civilisation.

Despite providing a useful railway staion, “the Manor” is best known for the hideous flats and equally hideous inmates (sorry, residents) of the housing project on Sheephouse Way.

Surly and monosyllabic, the c**v youths selfishly pick the Co-op at Old Malden (nearer to my house than their barracks-like shitholes, the little w*****s!) to hang out on a Friday. It’s all there: hoodies, shell-pants, ten gallons of cheap aftershave (boys), piercing voices and more effort spent on picking g-strings than denims (girls).

The bastard Tory newsletter that comes through my door even has sympathy for the s**m! That’s when you know that old principles have gone down the pan: I have no time for the Tories but at least when they stuck to their guns they wouldn’t have even pretended to like these scummy wastes of air and water that surely must be the first batch in an experiment for human culling. But no – the local Toryboys actually have sympathy and want to help, so they say. I can only hope that it’s just empty vote-winning promises.

As a former resident of Wimbledon, I never thought I’d look fondly at Phipps Bridge (the nearby equivalent). But at least that had a bit of history…..

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019