Maidstone-Kent’s Jewel in the Clown

KentSouth East

I was naive enough to go to KIAD on Oakwood Park for three years and live in Maidstone. Coming from nearby Ashford I thought Maidstone would be a ‘step up’ away from a town gradually being saturated by ‘ChavScum’. How wrong I was. My first student ‘digs’ was on Chancery Lane with a backgarden much akin to the velociraptor pen in Jurassic Park.

Maidstone has all the elements of a ChavTown; Wilkinsons, jewellers (Mr T’s no less), LIDL, 30 kebab shops, a ‘mall’, TWO drinking troughs aka Weatherspoons, Chicago’s and a Jumping Jacks/Ikon Megaplex….oh and of course, 95% C***s.

Even the council could be accused of being C***s…which right-minded person would actually erect a Floral Sheep in the centre of town?
We used to try and avoid the main High Street-it was an obstacle course of Pushchairs, Big Issue sellers, Action Aid collectors, hoards of mini-c***s and Survey Scummers…especially on Saturdays.
My most memorable C**v encounter was in Maidstone grill where a guy was attempting to rip me for wearing an ‘Eskimoe’s Coat’. He kept going to me ‘Check it out’ and pointing at his own attire. He was wearing tight black Hugo Boss jeans that sat nicely above his ankles, beautifully crafted crocodile shoes and a baby blue Lacoste shirt. What a style icon. I quickly went out and bought the same attire in fear of being mocked by one so fashion conscious again.

I never even frequented Strawberry Moons. The sight of the most overweight, ugly collection of people queuing up for six miles to get into a hot badly run ‘Nightclub’ never appealed. Some bars in town do try to repel the scores of C***s by operating a ‘No Hat’ policy which sends most of them into a spiral of confusion.

Whatever happened to Kent becoming a parking lot for the euro tunnel?- I’d wish they’d hurry up.


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