Loughborough: **** Central (Eastern Region)

East MidlandsLeicestershire

This article aims to correct this site’s incorrect assumption that there are no **** towns in the East Midlands!  There is no topic heading of that name, anyway.

Loughborough was, not long ago, a sizeable yet not too big, industrial yet beautifully-situated, town fairly equidistant between Leicester, Nottingham and Derby.

Loughborough’s biggest council estate had been built as a model estate in the 1920s.

Then came the expansion of the university.  And McDonald’s.  And the Nova.

And then Marks & Spencer’s, British Rail, you name it, stopped buying British and the factories closed.

Putting decent people out of work.

And providing sites for **** flats.

One factory which specialised in quality coachbuilding, the Willowbrook, has now suffered the ignominy of becoming the site of a retail park.

With a Halfords where a steady stream of ***** come in to inquire about how to lower a Fiesta.

With baseball caps back to front, the ***** used to race round the Willowbrook in their ancient small cars.  They didn’t know why it was called that.  They didn’t even know THAT it was called that(!)

Until the police stepped in and had speed cliffs installed.

Since then you don’t see so many dark blue and bottle green Novas there with darkened windows and resprayed Polypipe (R) sill extensions…

***** in Loughborough often travel round by pushbike.  For this reason, there are many bike lanes painted on the roads taking up useful roadspace.  Which is why, when you stop on the pavement to look at the painted bike markings on the road, you run the risk of a **** cannoning into you riding his pushbike on the pavement, fake jewellery a-swinging.  There’s no way he could use the brakes (even if they were working) as he is talking on his mobile phone.

It becomes a lottery for pedestrians at night, when **** bikes speed along the pavements without lights.

Loughborough used to be a town with one pub for every 800 inhabitants.  Now it seems it has two pubs for 20,000 students.

The student **** community is like a vast bloated leech draining the life out of Loughborough.  There is not one pub left in the market place now but hordes of white-T-shirted chavbeest stagger round the darkened centre at night, looking for a place they can get WKD blue alcopops or cider with ice in it.

The Ashby Road which leads from town to the university has so many kebab shops that the Americans are set to invade it soon.

And no-one would want to have to clean up on a Sunday morning!

Student ***** tend to dawdle in packs at the beginning of the “academic” year, as they have never learnt any road sense.

Then, they will crash into your car on their pushbikes, as they still have not learnt any road sense.

Then, they get their first Nova or Paxo, and still have no road sense.

Then, as the university has expanded at a vast rate in recent years, they go and rent a semi, abandon their ****** cars everywhere and start giving the house some active neglect.  They have a great sports centre, so play football in the street where they can damage ordinary people’s property and cars.

Where to meet a ****?  The nightspots seem like a good idea, but if you draw a blank there and at McDonald’s, there’s always outside the magistrate’s court on Woodgate where all the smokers lounge, overlooking the site of a pleasant Italian restaurant which has been knocked down to build 100 **** flats!

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