Lisburn, County Antrim

Northern Ireland

Lisburn is full of *****, and not the normal kind you find in most towns who just smoke and wear tracksuits and drink cider and scowl at people. No. Lisburn is full of properly insane *****. There’s something in the water in Lisburn that makes people get a little more crazy every day, and although the ***** seem to drink more coke and white lightning than water, they are definetely no exception. If you go to one of the many shops selling cheap tat expect to see a bright orange woman wearing a miniskirt and a pair of high heels, hair pulled back so tight it’s impossible to tell what age range she’s in. There are many women like this in Lisburn. They will be wheeling a buggy with a screaming child, and they will be screaming ‘F*** up! F*** up!’ to the baby and the rest of their scabby children who are following behind, either looking nervous and distressed or destroying and knocking down everything they can get their hands on. Common past times of ***** in Lisburn include ******* around outside Super Valu on a Friday or Saturday night begging every dead on looking over 18 who walks past to buy them some drink. When they have finally acquired some alcohol they will return to the estates, wallace park or duncans (drunkens) dam, and guzzle it down with a 20 deck of mayfair sky blue, while hurling insults at any decent person who happens upon them. This activity tends to start around the age of 8. Afterwards they will stagger about, or hop on to their bikes, and write xeneophobic and secterian graffitti on the walls down prince william road. Occasionally their equally ****** dads will help with the parts of the wall they can’t reach, providing they’ll share their cider with them. Occupations ***** often go in to in Lisburn include going to the dole office once a week, drug dealing, opening chippies, and becoming professional wackjobs, or NFL’s (Normal For Lisburn’s) as the crazies of the town are often known.

PS: For some strange reason most of them are from England.

By: A

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