Lincoln: a tale of two cities

I had the chance to escape back in the 80s and blew it big time. A good job near Heathrow and a lovely girlfriend in Oxfordshire only a couple of miles from Henley on Thames. Temporary insanity is the only thing I can attribute to my decision to return to my hometown, that and being unable to get on the housing ladder dahn sarf.

Anyway I returned, bought a cr@ppy terraced house where you could not park within a mile unless you liked being threatened with severe violence for parking in “my f00king spot”. Eventually I moved to a 3 bed semi, where I could park sometimes on a constantly blocked driveway.

The top part of Lincoln around the cathedral is bearable with some decent restaurants and fairly civilised tourists in summer. However even that area is surrounded by pockets of criminality up to and including fairly frequent murders.

How grim is your Postcode?

So the tale of two cities reference is the tiny civilised bit being one, and the rest of it the other. The wastelands surrounding the good bit comprise of long sunk council estates and previously decent streets now rented out by private landlords to neanderthals. The throwbacks who’s idea of a good time is to build giant fires billowing toxic fumes and guzzling wife-beater while abusing and threatening passers by.

The lower part of town boasts dozens of mens barbers. There’s enough to trim the greasy hair of the entire county three times a day. Maybe they serve another purpose too. They are matched in number by fast (read filthy grease dripping) takeaways featuring world wide cuisine.

Visitors are relatively safe within the confines of the cathedral area, but venture beyond and you are likely to encounter i****d “bob’s your uncle and your dad”, misspelled tattoo covered ultra violent thugs, who will batter and rob you as soon as look at you. You have been warned.