Leominster – the UK’s answer to Alabama

Living in Leominster
Living in Leominster

A small market town on the Welsh border, the residents speak with a very distinct cross between a strong west-country accent and a slight north welsh twang. There are four types of Leominster residents, I shall now go through them.

1) Old people – probably 20% of Leominster’s population consists of nice, white-haired, rather middle-class old folks, but due to there being just about no public healthcare in this sh*thole, I wouldn’t expect their kind to last for much longer.

2) ******* – Call them pikies, irish, Gippos, whatever you like. They’re all the same. Armed with unregistered shotguns they go around Leominster and surrounding countryside buying, stealing or otherwise procuring scrap metal. Many say that they sell this scrap metal for a profit, but I believe that such is the mass amount of the stuff they nick, they must actually feed on it.

How grim is your Postcode?

3) Stupid, ******, racist, redneck, white-trash – This is by far the largest demographic in Leominster, or ‘Lemner’ as they call it. Living in public housing, on trailer parks surrounding the town or in sheds on rented or squatted pieces of scrap land, these toothless, ******, skinny ****s really are the **** of the earth. Although poor, they almost all vote for UKIP so ‘them blacks don’t come back’ (despite the fact there are only about 2 non-whites in the whole of the town). Although legally, a large amount of them are armed to the teeth with everything from grandaddy’s old rabbit gun to semiautomatic rifles. In Leominster, there are two gun shops within a short drunken stagger of the White Lion pub and the shooting range. These hicks are protective over their arms, and when drunk (which is often) gunshots are often heard, especially in the rural areas next to leominster. Most of these six-fingered idiots go to church, (first baptist, of course) although this is due to the fact science is yet to reach this far-flung part of the country. A startling amount of country and western may also be heard in local pubs… and not good country either.

4) ***** – Some youngsters are opting for this ‘****’ look, imported from nearby Hereford. With their snapback-hats and their BMX bikes, they’re successfully copying their southward cousins (and brothers in some cases, at the same time) in Hereford.

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