Leigh Park (near Portsmouth)

HampshireSouth East

Officially, the largest council estate in Europe, it’s the Chaviest of **** Towns (well ok apart from Paulsgrove (see separate entry under “Pizza bikes –the theft of”) – Leigh Park.

A lot of the ***** haunting Pompey of a weekend come from Leigh Park because it is fairly easy to get the 23 bus “dayn tayn” (translation: down town) of a “Saa’adee” (Saturday).

Greywell Shopping Precinct or “Paarked Prade” (translation: “Park Parade”) as the ***** call it is the epicentre of activity both criminal and anti-social. This is where many chavlings receive their early training in how to “fieve” stuff. (translation – “fieve” – to steal or acquire things from retail establishments when you have not paid for them). They also learn how to threaten strangers into illegally buying them cans of lager and “****”. There is a handy post office where all the single mums can cash their giros. If you go to the post office in question, you will observe that plenty of space is available for the young chavlings to “let off steam” (translation – run riot annoying everyone including the staff) while their “muvvers” (who incidentally are pack hunters too) talk about how expensive things are in “normal” shops compared to “paaandlaaand” and how their “Dave” has just gone inside again (“F**cking interfering coppers!”)

There are in fact at least three shops of this variety including “paandlaand” itself, together with plenty of benches for the older chavlings to jump all over and participate in foreplay (a.k.a. “***** ***”) as they look for victims.

Once I was walking through the said shopping centre (unfortunate but necessary) when I was accosted by a small girl of about 4. In perfect ****-speak she said, “ ‘ave yer got twenny pee aw need to fown me muvver” (translation: – could you please supply me with a twenty pence coin of the realm because if I can manage to beg money from another eight people I will be able to afford a burger and chips from the local van so that my mother will have more of her giro left to spend on bling, **** and Tesco’s value vodka?

Visitors to the area should always be aware of this scam and don’t be fooled by that innocent creole-wearing preschooler, believe me they send them out YOUNG to fend for themselves. On the subject of creoles, a friend of mine recently alerted me to the fact that in Argos they sell “Mummy and Me” creole sets – bleaaargh!!!!

Whilst I’m on the subject, how many sets of creoles on one ******** is the maximum ever spotted I wonder? Whilst travelling on the buses through Leigh Park I often spot ********* wearing no less than FOUR SETS in graduated sizes of course!

On a not-so-humorous note just up the road from Park Parade is the notorious estate-within-an-estate “The Warren” (see entry under “evil hellhole arsonist training camp”) where a man was recently drenched in petrol and burned alive (he survived – just) by a gang of teenage thugs whilst he was minding his own business on a park bench. Indeed, every time I have had the misfortune to have to go there something has been either burned, burning or about to be burned.

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020