The local chamber of commerce describes Kingston as a bright, friendly and pleasant place for people to live and work – absoloute ****. If your idea of pleasant is being harrassed outside of “mackeydees” on any given night of the week because this is where some fool in the planning department decided that a bus stop should be placed, then your living in a different world to me. Other top **** hotspots include the recently opened Odeon “complex” where our local ***** chums can amuse themselves for hours on end standing outside abusing people because they have either been chucked out, or as is more likely, cannott afford to get in. As is often the case, this is because they have spent all of the money they made mugging some poor sod, on amusing mobile ring tones. And let us not forget the Bentall centre, Southeast london’s premier shopping destination where you can smell the cheap aftershave from miles around. Try visiting this place on a Saturday afternoon – it’s a once in a lifetime experience. The mothercare seems to be an extension of the youth club, such is the average age of Kingston’s homemaking population. HMV is a popular destination as our **** bretheren can usually pick up the latest Jet Li masterpiece in one of their permanent sales. ****’s don’t do full price, if they ever pay at all, except for when they visit the local argos (craftily placed not 50 yards from Mcdonalds) to augment their growing gold jewellery collection. £29.99 for a nice thick gold chain? Sweet bruv! Let’s see now….Morgan? check. Wilkinsons? Oh hell yes!! Nandos? For when you want to take the missus somewhere classy? But of course. And please don’t leave before sampling the nightlife. Take your pick from several premier clubs where the music is no different from a Kiss FM drivetime slot. Try Oceana, 5 rooms, all cack. Or the Works, where one can enjoy the frission of excitement that comes from wondering whether you will leave with a bottle or a chair stuck in your head. And that’s just the bouncers idea of crowd management.
6 Reasons why Kingston Upon Thames is britains top **** hotspot.
1 – The recently opened 99p store has queues outside everyday. Enough said.
2 – Bookshops = 3. Mobile phone shops = 10 at least. And let us not forget those handy little places which will unlock a phone for a fee, no questions asked. While I mention bookshops I feel I must draw your attention to the fact that the Bentall centre’s only retail outlet for printed material (as no one could ever accuse WHSmith’s of being a bookseller) is the Waterstone’s. Luckily for Kingston’s more enlightened residents (like people who can string a sentence together without having to sit down) this is located on the top floor. This means that people can browse to their heart’s content without worrying whether a group of ****’s will make the trip up 3 sets of stairs to come and bother civilised people. Not all the time the town’s SECOND Mcdonalds is located in the basement of said building.
3 – 60% of the population of Kingston do not know where the library is. Mind, 60% of Kingston residents couldn’t find their own **** with a map.
4 – Cheryl Tweedy, ******** Maximus, was tried over the nightclub incident at Kingston crown court. Their’s nothing like being graced with celebrity.
5 – The Cambridge estate. Often used as a location during episodes of The Bill when the producers wish to portray a police no go estate or the aftermath of a riot. How art imitates life.
6 – The local papers devote more space to naming the latest recipients of ASBO’s than they do to job adverts. And surely an ASBO is to a ****, what frostbite is to eskimo’s? A risk of nature.