Kimberley, Nottinghamshire, what a treat for the eyes! A town comprising of only one main road and seven off shoots and yet must surely contain the highest concentration of chavs and chavettes in the country.
This filthy dirty town boasts not one but five public houses, the most popular with the lowlifes being “Dillingers”, where you can rub shoulders with the cream of Kimberleys scum, enjoy a ‘stella’ or 10 and if you’re lucky get your head kicked in by one of the many gorgeous chav boys who frequent this dive of a hostelry. Dillingers opened a few years back as a wine bar and after a year of the seats being ripped apart, the light fittings being smashed, the carpet being pissed on and the bar stools flying, the owners decided it might be a tad safer to tile the floors, get rid of the furniture and hope for the best. (They wanted to put security bars around the bar but the council wouldn’t allow it for health and safety reasons.)
Dance to the ‘choons’ played by the resident DJ (he’s a factory meat packer in his day job but by night miraculously turns into a burberry clad, sovereign ring wearing ‘bloke’ whos packin’ a piece ((in his head)) and not afraid to use it – yeah righty-O ) and marvel at the surrounding beauty – chavettes with council house facelifts (hair scraped back to within an inch of their lives) wearing their best fake Von Dutch, grinding to said ‘choons’ whilst the chav boys do their best to get a hard on watching them but can’t quite manage it because really they’re all mummies boys, just pretending to be ‘down with the hood’. Quite frankly, if they managed to get it up after all the ‘dope’ they reckon they smoke, they should get a prize…Mmm, prize prick might do…..
By the end of the evening Kimberley becomes a veritable playground for the chavs and also the local constabulary, wherby it’s a competition to see who can get the most control of the town. Fights, destruction of surrounding property and shagging up the side of the chippy are but a few of the options available to our local scum element.
Theres always the option of going to the local curry house on James Street (a favourite for the ‘characters’ of Kimberleys many and varied dickheads) and abusing their staff whilst procuring your Rogan Josh or better still ‘doing a runner’ with it, leaving the hapless staff wondering why they bother.
Not content with coming out from under their rocks to play in the evening, the chav is never more content than when dealing drugs in the ‘precinct’ – lunchtime is a favourite when the school kids come down from the local comprehensive to abuse the shop assistants and feed their faces. With their suped-up novas sat in the car park, a scowl on their faces and their “I’m white but wish I was black” music blaring out, they love to attract as much attention as possible and ‘do a deal’ at the same time. And there’s always Sainsburys cash point to hover around and look menacing whilst the pensioners are collecting their weekly government pay – easy targets and ‘what a laugh’.
Don’t forget the shoe shop on the precinct and also Kwik Save where the very BEST of the areas chavscum come to pilfer on a daily basis (and are so well known to the local plod that they’re on their xmas card list) whatever they can get their hands on – it’s so easy when you’re a member of the ‘pram brigade’ and can hide your ill gotten gains amongst your 5 kids (all under the age of 5, of course) and double ‘buggy’…..
Kimberley was always a bit rough around the edges but years ago it was the working men who had a beer or two too many of an evening and finished off the night with fisty cuffs. Look the wrong way at the local talented chav nowadays and they’ll rip your head off before you can say “Von Dutch, Innit”…..