Written by Anonymous. Posted in Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom

Right, where to begin…

Jarrow is a delightful little hole next to Hebburn (another one), Gateshead (another one), Simonside (another one) and South Shields (Has charvs, generally leave you alone.)

It is impossible to determine the exact population of this cess pit as the rate of population growth is so great. We can only hope a bad batch of Skag kills them off before the current ones are able to breed.

The best features of Jarrow are the A19, which takes you away from here, and the Shell Oil storage depot which would be useful to try and contain the Jarrovians, should they try to spread en masse.

The Viking centre has to be the worst excuse for a shopping centre on the face of the earth, though if you want a tartan trolley bag, 2nd hand books with pages missing and some poor quality plastic tat from one of the many cheap shite boutiques that generate 50% of the total GDP for the town. The other 50% being from the sale of stolen car radios, ket, disco biscuits and nylon tracksuits. Jarrow currently holds well over 10% of the worlds stockpiles of fake Burberry and nylon by mass alone, and 22% of the UK’s supply of fake gold Sovereign rings.

Jarrow’s claim to fame is that it contains the world’s only 2-platform public toilet. This is located at the local Metro station. An entry fee may apply is “Carney”, “Dekka”, “Dave” or “MC Nobbo” are present. The price can range between Metro fare to South Shields or your shoes.

Jarrow is actually a fascinating social experiment, presumably to see what would happen if some of the nicer parts of the world were to be devastated by nuclear war. The result is a race of people who value Pound coins more than life itself, worship fire in the form of burning Vauxhall Novas or Renault Clios, and tuck their trousers into their sports socks to protect them from the oily chain of the bike they are about to steal.

The people are very hostile about their “lands” and verbally and physically abuse anyone who they believe is non local and appears to have valuables on their person. Increasingly children are getting involved in the protection of the land and particularly favour bridges, wooded areas and underpasses. They claim these as “Dens” and often try to intimidate anyone unlucky enough to stray inside with a string of incomprehensible insults.

From my observations of this town, I see no reason why we shouldn’t bulldoze it, or cut it off via a moat. If you need to come through the town for any reason, even if it’s just passing, make sure you lock your car doors, have no valuables on show, keep the car moving and make sure no one steals your shoes. Good luck.

By: Mike


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