Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in United Kingdom

Immingham…Gateway to the North Sea and home of the Pilgrim Fathers. A truly historic town, nestling amongst the Lincolnshire hills.

I existed in Immingham for some 12 years, more by force than choice. My family were poor and down on their luck. They put people like us in Immingham. Growing up was interesting, education was frowned upon and punching people in the head until blood was shed was encouraged.

Immingham is currently involved in the growing trend of Chavism currently sweeping the more “dependent” areas of the country.

High Coiture in “Ming” (as the locals and ex-pats alike call it), currently consists of (for the boys):

-1x Underage teenage girlfriend. She will be accepted by all the Chav’s mates and be allowed to sup alcopops.There are squads of these terrible girls throughout Ming, usually distinguished by their slack-jawed chewing and scraped-back hair (and why do the dim slag’s go everywhere with their arms crossed? They even have a special expression for when walking like this).

-1x unnamed vehicle that you are”doing up”…constantly.

-1x Council House on the estate. Posher chav’s (if there is such a thing) may reside in the areas surrounding Bluestone Lane (The Roval has some excellent Chav combat).

1x job that you say “pays really well” but still means you have to buy cheap aftershave off of the market.

Chavette’s have a fairer deal. Assuming you’ve managed to get some slimy 19 year old to feel you up at the Bluey (Top chav pub in Immingham, The Bluestone), you should have no problem with access to cheap transport and alcopops. Unfortunately you wont have ready access to contraception or the common sense to not go shagging about when you are 14-15. Appearence-wise the Ming Chavette can be spotted easily enough.

-Slack-jawed expression caused by chewing gum constantly for 10 years and giving Chav’s blowjobs.

-Scraped back hair (see above) tied back with objects known as “scrunchies”. Every Chavette in Ming has this…every single one.

-1x pack of very, very cheap fags.

-1x Kappa/Addidas “tracky” bottoms with very cheap, pink-fringed trainers.

1x younger sibling who appears to be made of snot and Bovril.

Chav’s who are feeling more adventurous can take an outing to Cleethorpes, where one can indulge in trying to get off with the “posher” totty that inhabit the delightful sea-side town.

In Immingham you can never be off your guard. Chav’s roam free, one even managed to get to live in my house without me knowing. I go back once a year at the very most, it’s better that way.