Ilkeston (revised edition)

DerbyshireEast Midlands


The home of many a washed up loser and potential nobodies. The ***** love this place, they will never leave and prefer to hang around and multiply threatening to destroy any remaining sense of dignity this town has.

To describe Ilkeston I would have to say that it is a throw back mining town. Traditionally it was a place for men who worked hard and played hard. It is situated on the border of Nottingham and derby and therefore has a split football team fan base, the cause of many an interesting discussion. Ilkeston is also well known for being a racist town; you can see the BNP out there with a stall asking for people to vote for them. Mind you they do turn out nice with ironed clothes and polished boots, which is more than can be said for the rest of its population.

How grim is your Postcode?

The nightlife starts on a Thursday and continues till Sunday night, with Friday being the busiest. All the local pubs are situated round the “top” of town. The preferred method of drinking, is have one in every pub in a quick succession and continue in a lap of the town. At the end of the lap, it is to be repeated until utter inebriation is achieved.

After eleven it is off to the wine vaults or the poplar. The wine vaults is a haven for the drug taking **** youth, they wear the latest shell suits and fake Burberry. The women all have kids, which I am sure are left with microchips and a DVD of Shrek to keep them occupied while mummy goes to find a new daddy. If you fancy the other place it’s going to be The Poplar. Another dingy dank pub with **** music and teenagers so out of there mind on drugs they prefer to dribble and pull faces rather than engage in a conversation. Both places host frequent fights and it’s the only place on earth where a signal to fight is initiated by looking at someone for longer than two seconds. The tattoos are abundant and on display, more so, on the women’s forearms. Dolphins being a particular favourite.

After the pubs it’s off to one of the plentiful fast food establishments. Most of these people eat at these places for all three main meals and probably pop to MacDonald’s for a quick snack to see them through to the next meal. A fight outside any of these places rarely raises an eyebrow and is considered entertainment whilst munching on a kebab. The correct way to eat a kebab in Ilkeston is to order a large one with everything. You then throw the salad on the floor. Any meat left over is them wiped on shop windows or posted through letter boxes.

In Ilkeston you are considered cool if you have been to prison, deal drugs, **** people up for no reason, hit women, have several children with different women, fiddle the dole and have a council house on the farm.

Other points of interest are Mad Allan. This person has been the source of amusement for many of the generations growing up in Ilkeston. The truth be told is that he has a limited mental ability, but seeing as he differs from the norm the narrow minded people seize on the rare chance to mock somebody less then themselves.

We also spawned the actor Robert Lindsay, who on achieving stardom took the chance to escape and never look back.

All in all a very dim town with no prospects and no nice people. Ilkeston needs to be fenced off and kept separate from ordinary people. I could go on for days about how bad this place really is, but I don’t want to bore you.

At the end of the day I still love the place even though at times I would rather be sticking drawing pins in the roof of my mouth. It is different, that I can assure.

For the passing tourist who pops in for a pint, may I recommend the obbo (observatory pub) It has large glass windows that allow you to gaze at the animals as they go about there day to day thievery. It’s very much like going to a safari park but not having your windscreen wiper nicked by monkeys. However when you return to your car your windscreen wipers may be the only thing left.

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