North EastYorkshire

Absolutely everywhere. There is no escape from the **** in Hull.

There are many ways to spot a ****, but the hardcore ****’s, those who really do spend every last penny on crack, smack, pills and dope, can be spotted from your ordinary ****’s. In Hull, ****’s come from an array of backgrounds, from your nicer areas to the really poverty stricken places. To tell them apart is easy. The ****’s from the more affluent areas don’t have to tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks.

I often wondered why this was done. Granted, older gentleman tuck one trouser leg into their sock when riding their bicycle to prevent there Farrah trousers from being ripped to shreds on the front cog, but ****’s don’t very often ride bikes. A select few may roll place to place on an old Sturmey Archer, shopper or BMX but the majority of the ****’s with tucked in tracksuit bottoms walk. My conclusion was easy. It is the simplest way to hide the fact that they are wearing half-mast trousers. Simple. Their mother can’t buy new ones because they need the social for their nights in Yates and the surrounding pubs.

How grim is your Postcode?

Which leads me to my next grievance (there’s a few). This particular area of Hull is dedicated to ****’s. Mr. Q’s, Yates, White Horse, Cheese, Bass House and Sgt Peppers is packed to the gunnels with ****’s, ********* and ****’s parents. Each weekend it is over run by ****’s who look old enough to buy an alcoholic beverage. **** territory through and through. The ****’s don their best lime green shirts (with white buttons), black jeans (half mast of course), white socks (a must) and those old black Kickers with the orange/yellow laces strapped through the side of the shoe, topped off as always with a cap. Those who leave the caps at home pile on the ‘gel’ and comb their hair forward, gluing their fringe to their head almost. Classy.

********* wear short skirts, short tops and oodles of Elizabeth Duke jewelry. Come rain or shine they’ll wear f*ck all. More often than not Hulls ********* wear the boob tubes (?) to allow passing ****’s to see their bellies and lots of cleavage. Approximately 85 % of these ********* also sport stretch marks, for there are very few who don’t have a “bane” (small child) at home staying with Nanna.

So keep your eyes peeled for the tucked in sock variety of ****’s and if you do venture around this part of Hull’s night life, be warned. It is a dangerous place. My friend was walking through this part of town (it is between the more acceptable pubs and the bus station) on his birthday, when he was chased by a gang of ****’s and promptly caught. He was held down by the ****’s and then he had his face and throat sliced with a Stanley knife. So Hulls’ ****’s can be quite nasty when they want to be. Needless to say our justice triumphed yet again giving each guilty **** (there were 5) a rather hard slap on the wrist. I believe one also got shouted at, but please don’t quote me.

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