Written by Anonymous.

Hull is surely the chav capital of the United Kingdom, our chavs are of a very nearly intelligent breed aware of the challenges to their position from other subcultures and globalisaton.

They proudly demonstrate their awareness of other subcultures by shouting “moshers” from moving vehicles at groups of moshers. “Mosher” meaning, of course, everything from skatepunk to industrialist.. but it’s a start. Speaking of moving vehicles some of Hulls braver chav’s had the bright idea of fearlessly throwing eggs at passersby from moving cars. Luckily the sovereign rings seem to put their aim off slightly, that and the fact they drive by so quickly to avoid being identified -it’s almost as if they don’t they realise they all look the same to us.

On the car theme and worthy of mention is the “Hull Cruise Crew” these fine examples of chavdom can typically be seen in car parks of Albion Street and Freetown way on Wednesday and weekend nights. Admiring each others Novas and Fiats, cleverly customised with wrong colour bumpers, dropped suspension (ideal for the speedbumps that fill this blighted city), widebore exhausts and the obligatory sticker rendering useless the rear view mirror. Hull Cruise Crew’s numbers have decreased in recent years but the one’s who remain are the true hardcore. Not for them the heterosexual environs of pubs and clubs with their drink, music and girls, all these guys need for a good night are a carpark, some smokes, a car stereo, and their equally hardcore shellsuited mates for company.

The Hull chav is faced with a serious problem nowadays. When Humberside uni relocated to Lincolnshire, certain local landlords did a governament deal and began cramming as many asylum seekers as possible into what was once student accomodation. The chavs were understandably worried about the asylum seekers “Stealin ower jobs and tekin ower benefets”, even though the average chav is living on benefits he’s probably not entitled to -and does flogging your bint’s anti-depressants to your mates count as a job anyway? Unfortunately for the workshy chav the foreign arrivals eager to eke out a new life have very few employment options, and typically wind up doing the unskilled temporary work that was once the stronghold of the chav. Employers already used to a workforce unable to speak english or read signs have found it easy to employ these new arrivals who are afterall not so able to play the benefits game.

However despite the rise of other subcultures and foreign interests I’m afraid I can say with certainty that the chav is here to stay. They continue to inbreed in the vast estates they already dominate, distilling the chav genepool. I think we will be seeing some kind of UberChav emerge, spliff in hand, from this city. Afterall with chav heavens like ‘essle Rerd and the Nerfpent Shoppin’ Cenny why would they go anywhere else?


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