Horley in Surrey could be a relatively decent place but the proximity of the Court Lodge Estate has ruined it and made the pedestrian precinct virtually a no-go zone at night. Chavettes occupy the benches by sitting on top of the back-rest and this gives a remarkable view of the cheap thongs they wear. The estate is a classic Chav estate. Chavs ride dangerously close on their crappy little bikes that always look too small for them – but bike thieves can’t always have the best choice. Their crappy little gardens usually contain bits of dad Chav’s car, dog s**t and white cider bottles. The estate is remarkably well planned and has some wonderful alleyways and shortcuts that allow Chavs to escape from the law. Court Lodge has a Chip shop and next door an Asian supermarket where the owners always assume you are a criminal. Best sales are White Star cider, 10s of Richmond fags, cheap crisps and cheap sweets. Chavs also like to congregate at the half-way house in Massett’s Road. The door is never locked and the Chavs and Chavettes meet there in the communal kitchen to share a spliff before going to Oakwood School.
To get from the estate to the town centre many take the shortcut through St. Bart’s churchyard.
It is un-Chav if stones aren’t thrown at the church windows. However the little s***s aren’t too bright and don’t realise that the windows are covered in perspex.
The names have been changed to protect the little s***s. Notable Chavs are Patrick. He’s been re-housed about eight miles away from his hoodlum friends. Phone boxes can now rest safely at night in Horley. Darren can always be heard before he’s seen. He’s too young to able to afford a real Chav uniform but makes up for it by having a string of ASBOs. Prime candidate for Horley’s Classic Chavette must be Estelle. A classic Chavette. The eyebrows are plucked to a thin line, the hair scraped back and put up with a scrunchy. Kappa and Nike are worn in conjunction with a puffy white jacket with a fake fur hood. Her Posse include other perfect specimens including the ugly fat one who’s really aggressive. Estelle suffers from an overactive salivary gland and she has to spit every few seconds. Her knowledge of gynaeocolgy is remarkable as her rants contain all the parts of male and female genitalia. She’ll shag anything for some fags and a bottle of cheap cider. Her real love tho’ is Bazza ‘cos he’s got a “cushtie” car and “wicked saahnds”. However, Bazza only shagged her once in the Waitrose car-park one Saturday night. Baz’s wife – a spiteful looking Chavette – found out and so that was stopped. The Liquid Lounge club is worth watching on Saturday nights – just don’t go in! They all congregate outside and have about as much chance of getting in as they have of not re-offending. They may take the train to Redhill – without paying naturally – and hang out underneath the library and fight the other Posses from the Redhill estates.