If the Midlands needed an enema, this is where they would stick the pipe

Hinckley (or ‘inkleh to the chav) used to be a hosiery centre for the midlands but now that’s been killed off it has a more ominous feeling as the chav and chavettes race have taken over the place en masse.

Favourite place for the chav species, also known as townie arseholes, is outside the old favourite, McDonalds. The chav’s here spend their times, typically, in groups of at least 10, trying to look hard in front of their chav mates by threatening anyone who goes past. The purpose of this seems to be scaring people for enough money to get their 15-year-old pregnant girlfriends a ‘Happy Meal’. This is usually done whilst trying to put some ‘banging tunes’ on the obligatory mobile phone Also they hang around outside the aptly named NRVOUS RECORDS (not a spelling error, possibly trying to be chav friendly), a place guaranteed to make anyone with a sense of self-preservation, very nervous. If not here, they are usually found ‘angin round’ Castle Street’, in the centre of the town. Sometimes in the Britannia Centre looking for people to mug or threaten. If they can drive (drive being used in the loosest terms possible) they will be found listening to R‘n B, rap or The Streets in the car park near the central Post Office. Cars are the obligatory Nova’s, Sierras, Escorts or Corsas with big wheels, loud exhausts, neon and side graphics

The weekend evenings are something more threatening altogether though. The younger chav’s have gone off to rob some off-licence, or to dink meths in the nearby Hollycroft Park, or to breed the next generation of dole-dossing scum. This leaves the town empty for the more senior, hardened and psychotic, criminal chav. If you need to go down the aforementioned Castle Street, you do so in a group. To ignore this is to be set upon by these inbreeding morons in large group. Being threatened with Stanley knives used to be a common occurrence until the installation of CCTV, which has pushed the criminal activity to the alleys that run the length of this street. These alleys also serve the chav purpose of toilets, shagging area, and convenient place to hide their victims.

The local Litten Tree (or Litter Tray) pub near the town is also worthy of mention, as is The Baron of Hinckley (not sure if this is supposed to be ironic or not!) and Brannigans. These places are all within a stones throw of each other and on Saturday at least one will turn into it’s own rendition of Fight Club with local chav’s trying to prove dominance over all others with their preferred weapon of choice (typically bottle, beer glass, pool cue or fist). Kicking out time also seems to mean ‘kicking off’ time with many a fight occurring outside the Seafish Mama chip shop and Turkish Delight kebab house. These usually start off by someone ‘looking at them’, or, in the case of one friend of mine, because he was there and crossed the street in front of said chav. The town centre even has its own 3 riot vans stationed there on a Saturday night to give the chav’s a nice warm cell to sleep in.

The Hinckley chav is in desperate need of a sterilisation program, and about as welcome as herpes.



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