Are you a useless, thieving, work shy sh*tbucket with as much worth to society as a cancer cell? Looking for a relaxing break somewhere other than the shopping centre? Then why not take a holiday in scenic Hemel Hempstead? This picturesque new town is a delight for lovers of grubby concrete and puddles of vomit, and you’ll feel right at home among our local criminal s**m!
Arriving in Hemel town centre via bus, you can start your break straight away as the bus station is right next to the market! Here you can get all your favourite brand copies and past-sell-by-date food, and the open-air construction is perfect for running off without paying! It’s just a short slouch to the post office to collect your government handouts shovelled from the taxes of decent working people. They even sell lottery tickets so you can start spending your child benefit straight away! It’s just a few metres of shouting up the road to McDonald’s for a meal with that touch of class you love so much, then the whole of Hemel town centre awaits you! How will you choose between Poundland, Argos and Sports Direct? Or hang around the entrance to any of the town centre flats and an 8-year-old mini-C**v will be happy to sell you a bag of puff or some E’s.
No stay in Hemel is complete without a visit to all of the area’s roughest bars and clubs! Come on in and glass someone, or just get monged off your tits on Breezers and Wifebeater and puke up outside. Don’t fancy dancing? Then how about a film with lots of explosions at the Empire cinema? Literacy isn’t required – if you can’t read just point at the poster you like. Once inside, you can pick a fight, talk loudly on your mobile, run around or just throw your Maltesters at the people who have turned up to actually watch the film! It’s OK, you’ve got no consideration or manners at home, why should you in public?
Then for some real fun maybe you can boost a car from Tesco’s car park. Ooh, look at that 1999 VW Golf! The body kit almost matches the rest of the paint – the Chavettes will love you if you drive around in that! The best thing to do is cane it down King Harry Street at 4am with the stereo on full. Oh sure, you might wake some people up but they’re only the patients at the nearby hospital, and who cares about them? Certainly not you. Then as you race around the town centre being chased by the cops, you can ponder the fact that if Hemel Hempstead was nuked tomorrow, the average IQ of the UK would rise considerably.