Helston, Cornwall

A non-descript market-town in South West Cornwall of about 10,000 people, this is a place of little prospects, but many many people living on benefit or doing menial jobs. Helston is quite a sleepy town during the day, where nothing much happens, but come Friday and Saturday nights, the place is a living hell-hole! Around 7 pubs are dotted along the two highstreets in the town (I use the term ‘highstreet’ loosely), and with them comes a whole lot of trouble!

One wouldn’t really associate Cornwall with ‘*****’, but oh you are so wrong! The type of ***** that Helston ‘boasts’ are the type of small minded, smalltown wannabe ***** who are ***** due to being ignorant smalltown ****, who will never move away from there or see other parts of the world that are on offer! There are rival gangs from Helston and neighbouring fishing village Porthleven who start fighting when the ‘Porthleveners’ come into Helston for the night! If that’s not enough, due to nearby naval-base RNAS Culdrose, there are also a lot of Navy or ‘Mattaloes’ as they are known there, who can also be quite ****** themselves and there tends to be a hell of a lot of trouble between them and local *****.

Best **** hangouts in Helston? The Bell pub is quite a good one, along with the Fitzsimmonds and Big Ts. They also tend to congregate in large groups in the doorway outside Wooltworths, the bus-stop outside the Monument, and on the steps just outside the Methodist Church, oh the irony of it!!

How grim is your Postcode?

Fridays and Saturday nights in Helston are best avoided at all costs! ***** tend to start off in a pub called the Bell, which is teenybopper underage drinking heaven and very chavvish! Then it’s down to the Rodney, which is quite non-descript, but chavvish all the same, then it’s a quick pint in a few of the other chavvish pubs which play nothing but excrutiatingly loud chart-pap, which makes conversation nigh-on impossible. Then it’s to the Fitzsimmonds at the bottom of the street, which gets so packed and is so full at ***** looking for an excuse to start a fight, that it makes a bit of a tense atmosphere to say the least! Then it’s to the local dive called Big T’s where fights, glassings and bottlings are commonplace. They have even had the Police in there with teargas a couple of times, that is how bad it gets!

The ***** spill out of there at 2 in the morning, totally lashed up and looking for a fight, so they tend to congregate outside of Ali Baba’s kebab place that stays open until about 3am. This is where people shout and scream in the street and fight into the small hours. There have even been a few stabbings reported!!

Next morning, you get the ‘aftermath’ of the Saturday night. Go down the highstreet on a Sunday morning and you will be greeted by the site of kebab-wrappers littering the pavement along with vomit adorning the paving slabs and a generous amount of blood decorating walls and shop doorways, and not forgetting of course that heady aroma of chavpiss in the alleyways! Thinking of going out for a night in Helston? Don’t bother!

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