A once tranquil, middle class town situated near the beautiful South Downs. Now brimming with Nova-driving, Elizabeth Duke-wearing chav scum retards. Is no place sacred anymore?
Haywards Heath shouldn’t be a chav town. I shouldn’t be writing this. But it is and therefore I am.
Our town’s only inhabitant used to be solely middle-class, affluent families and young couples who drove BMWs and SUVs. Recent times have seen a mass dark influx of alloy wheels, cheap gold jewellery and swearing.
On any Saturday you can guarantee that the high street (South Road) will be jam-packed with our delightful urban scum shopping in droves at The Officers Club (2 checked shirts only £12!!) or Woolworths (must buy the new Ecstasy-Shite-Hardcore-Bum-Sex Hits 2004 CD).
Warning! Take care crossing the road. The only dangers in town used to be a young mother driving her BMW X5 whilst changing her baby’s nappy. Not anymore. Now it’s Dave and his mates in their Fiesta Zetec S doing 408 mph. Advance warning of this incoming peril will be given in the form of a dustbin sized exhaust pipe which sounds like an angry Greek God screaming.
The chavs in town aren’t just of the 18 year old variety. Oh no, talk a walk down The Broadway on an evening at the weekend and step into one of our delightful modern bars; Evolution, Bar Boo or Orange Square. Whilst deceptively expensive looking and fashionable, these drinking holes harbour some of the worst kinds of chavs. The chavs that think they aren’t.
Just because you get pissed in a poncy looking bar my dear doesn’t mean we don’t notice the fact that you are a common little whore with crap gold jewellery, clothes from New Look and fake tans from Boots.
The easiest way to spot these “stealth” chavs (other than their orange skin and £20 wardrobe) is to listen in to their conversation:
“Oh my god. Usher is SO fit right, yeah?”
“I don’t care right cuz she’s a slag and should never have slept with him in the first place yeah?”
Maybe some mass chav-plague will kill them all off. Either that, or they’ll all get AIDS from f*****g their relations.