Haywards Heath

South EastWest Sussex

A once tranquil, middle class town situated near the beautiful South Downs. Now brimming with Nova-driving, Elizabeth Duke-wearing **** **** retards. Is no place sacred anymore?

Haywards Heath shouldn’t be a **** town. I shouldn’t be writing this. But it is and therefore I am.
Our town’s only inhabitant used to be solely middle-class, affluent families and young couples who drove BMWs and SUVs. Recent times have seen a mass dark influx of alloy wheels, cheap gold jewellery and swearing.

On any Saturday you can guarantee that the high street (South Road) will be jam-packed with our delightful urban **** shopping in droves at The Officers Club (2 checked shirts only £12!!) or Woolworths (must buy the new Ecstasy-*****-Hardcore-Bum-Sex Hits 2004 CD).


Warning! Take care crossing the road. The only dangers in town used to be a young mother driving her BMW X5 whilst changing her baby’s nappy. Not anymore. Now it’s Dave and his mates in their Fiesta Zetec S doing 408 mph. Advance warning of this incoming peril will be given in the form of a dustbin sized exhaust pipe which sounds like an angry Greek God screaming.

The ***** in town aren’t just of the 18 year old variety. Oh no, talk a walk down The Broadway on an evening at the weekend and step into one of our delightful modern bars; Evolution, Bar Boo or Orange Square. Whilst deceptively expensive looking and fashionable, these drinking holes harbour some of the worst kinds of *****. The ***** that think they aren’t.
Just because you get pissed in a poncy looking bar my dear doesn’t mean we don’t notice the fact that you are a common little whore with **** gold jewellery, clothes from New Look and fake tans from Boots.
The easiest way to spot these “stealth” ***** (other than their orange skin and £20 wardrobe) is to listen in to their conversation:
“Oh my god. Usher is SO fit right, yeah?”

“I don’t care right cuz she’s a slag and should never have slept with him in the first place yeah?”


Maybe some mass ****-plague will kill them all off. Either that, or they’ll all get AIDS from ******* their relations.


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