Hayes (Kent)

KentSouth East

Situated just outside of London, in Bromley Borough. Hayes is one of the most middle-class areas of Greater London. The Hayes ***** themselves are not troublesome, that is if you excuse their bad English and smelly roll-ups. It is the ***** that are passing through which can provide a problem. Situated in the middle of the Bromley – West Wickham bus route, and at the end of a train line that connects with Beckenham and Lewisham means all sorts could be around. Hayes ***** don’t do anything, but if you haven’t a trained eye that can spot the fake sports brands you could be in for a beating. Bare beating.

Strangely few violent ***** dare venture into Hayes. Those who do are part of the ruthless Rigby school, who proudly made themselves stars of the News Shopper after a police search found enough weapons to cause American concern.

The key areas to watch out for are the train station – infamous for the fore-mentioned police search. The local kebab and chicken & pizza shops just metres away; the wall outside the Harvester (opposite from the station) or if you’re brave enough to go through Hayes Village they can be found around the bus stop outside the off-license, or on the concrete bollards outside the town hall.

How grim is your Postcode?

Fortunately the friendly neighbourhood community police officers can often be found on patrol around these ****** hotspots. Unfortunately, the ***** got wise, and now arrive in their Ped Death Squads, which luckily can be heard as they tear up Bourne Way at 30mph, heads down to minimise resistance, and engine’s roaring away with 50ccs of raw power.

Finally are the parks. There are 3 sites, which together make up Husseywell Park, and the grounds of Hayes Library. Regrettably all are positioned so that it is impossible to cross from Hayes Village to Hayes High Street without walking past a small army of jeering **** as I know only too well. One time, when travelling from the high street to the village, my companions and I thought it would be a most brilliant idea to cross through the park (without swings) – our thinking was that the ***** would not be here, it was too dark and there were no swings to pose on, or benches to graff up. As we approached a tunnel constructed of trees, much to our horror we heard laughing. **** laughing – similar to that of a Hyena, only much much worse. Instantly survival instinct took over and we bolted back to the safety of the street, one friend, who I thought could not even run must’ve broke at least 5 world records. Y’see these are the ***** to be feared – the board says “closes at dusk” but ***** can be found lurking in the dark well up to 10pm. Except in winter, when they all huddle around at the station to share warmth. The **** it would seem, is a creature that has evolved co-operation so that it may survive.

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