Sheltered in the hollow between the North Yorkshire Moors and the Yorkshire coast, Guisborough or G’Bro as it is affectionately known should be an idyllic location to live. Many brief visitors to our historic market town find it so. Delve however into the inbred underbelly of G’Bro and you’ll find a world of weird chavsters who mirror Albert Square, there is no world outside our fair town. Local lumanaries includes The Arsholist (sorry, arsenist) who razed the library to the ground, Glassmore, you knows it, Pumpkin Face, its like a bad Batman film.
Park land is one of Guisborough’s most popular attractions, Belly Park, Tittybottle Park (no-one knows either) and DownKemplah Park are all fine grassy places to sniff glue and smash bottles in. Local tipples like Pulses and Maddog 20 20 are well liked, and fuel the Nike Shox sponsored kicking of upstanding youth’s. The C**v finds his hang-out of choice Bakehouse Square, ideal for the late night ambush of the unsuspecting short cutter.
Of a weekend you may be lucky enough to witness some late night motorsport, but at low speed because the C**v doesn’t want to knock all the plastic crap off his 1991 Nova GTE or Fiat Punto cut and shut job.
If you plan a visit, some local lingo might help. “Are you gooinndown Bankies liiike?” translates as – would you like to accompany me to Bankfield’s Road to vandalise an OAP’s shed?
” awwe yoradaaaaff coun!” you are a person of ill repute
“that’s borstel that liiike” i find that disappointing enough to make me commit felonies, resulting in incarceration in a juvenile centre.
“your a fookin sakky yo like” you don’t possess enough knock off chavwear, white enough k-swiss trainers, or aren’t spending enough dole money on drugs and satellite television.
finally if you fancy an evening of entertainment, try a watered down pint of cat piddle in the Seven Stabs (formerly the Seven Stars, renemed through common sense), the Buck Inn has a lovely back room, known to normal folk as the Bear Pit, run the Von Dutch gauntlet in there, but only if you wear shades, the glow of orange 17 year old permatan and crap xmas cracker jewellery is blinding.
Long live Chavved up G’Bro!