Grimsby: slight return

An amateur anthropologist of the urban underclass chips in a few observations concerning disturbances in the Grimsby area space-time **** continuum.

There is much wailing (of toddlers who really should be able to walk, but are imprisoned in pushchairs) and gnashing of unbrushed teeth in Great Grimsby.

The main shopping area of Grimsby (Freshney Place shopping Centre, and the surrounding “Top Town” part of town) has seen a recent upsurge in **** activity to such an extent that North East Lincs Council have painted pastel tartan-esque panels on former dog warden vans, so these vehicles may be employed for ****-warden uses.

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We suspect the following factors to be important:

a) Top Town Maccy’s is being refurbished, leaving the hungry **** neither a place to scoff their bread-and-meat combo, nor somewhere to stand outside spitting at passers-by.

b) The bus station has just been refurbished, and some of the signs changed, so that the pedestrian **** now is unsure of how to get back to the safety of his/her PS2, Sky Digital, knock-off DVDs and freezer full of breadcrumb-encrusted mechanically-recovered poultry snacks.

c) It’s summer term, a time when school attendance is traditionally optional in N E Lincs. Besides the town is filling up with vacationing Sheffield and Doncaster **** from nearby Cleethorpes and its collection of holiday parks and caravan sites. Thus the alpha males from a given ****-pack will circle each other, and the ritual of Yorkie versus Codhead preening and uninventive invective will commence.

d) The town’s two Job Centres have been amalgamated into a single Job Centre Plus, located conveniently opposite both the police station and the magistrates’ court. Thus the time-conscious **** can sort out their fines, wait for their brother to get released from his overnight incarceration, and sign on for another fortnight (two weeks’ Income Support is roughly equivalent to one **** garment, plus enough chips and supercider for a shag off their best mate’s Daz’s mum, “cos she’s right dirty, innit, I proper swear down she is.”*)

However, we believe that the status quo will be restored when the new Woolworths store opens soon, offering a plethora of new distractions and opportunities: theft, stealing, annoying the security guards, general pikeyness, robbing, nicking, cadging **** in the car park, offering to take peoples trolleys back “for the quid” and suchlike…

*notes on local dialect:

proper: true, or very – “these turkey dinosaurs are proper nice, Mam”

“swear down”: this is the truest thing I’ve ever said – “Creme Egg McFlurries are lush, swear down they are”

“proper swear down”: my sources are unimpeachable on the matter – “and then the coppers just piled into him for no reason, proper swear down they did”

There are rumours of the compound phrase “proper swear dead down” as the ultimate in proof/affirmation, but this is as yet unobserved in the field.

The work continues.

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