Once upon a time in a glaxaxy far far away…. lets cut the crap folks there is a wee “toon” in Scotland called Greenock, now this used to be a decent industrial spot, the promenades beautiful, the flowers, the people, the conversation, then one day……”Aright there hen pass us over the bucky!”
Horror followed as this lanky, whiter than white thing of gross proportions spottier than my mothers new polka dot knickers stood with a pack of like minded individuals narrating a story about the night before. “ah poked the bitch, grabbed her new sov got the hure so pissed she didnae ken whit i wis daeing”.
The male in question was about 5’7″ tall a lovely burberry cap, a kappa tracksuit and these lovely umbro socks which he has the bottom of his tracksuit trousers tucked into. To finish off this entourage he had these slightly tarnished reebock trainers on. Furthemore, there was enough gold to franchise a small shop in the ghetto so much so magpies were having private meetings in a great oak tree near the sea front.
The hang out was a tiny KFC outlet that was so small that the Klumps would have regarded one meal sitting as a small apetiser. On his arm to finish this creature beautifully was a small girl (i think it was a girl, her chest was so flat you could have used her to put pictures on) she was dressed in a pink number short skirt so short it was just below the hair line (if you know what i mean) lovely gold hoops in her ears dear lord they were huge my little borther wanted to use one for his next trip to the local swimming pool. What confused me thought was the fact that this female had on socks and reebock trainers with this attire and this gucci bag that was so fake even jordans boobs looked more real. I left the area dazed confused and still reeling from the stench of cannibus, club cigarettes and a foul smell of buckfast (local delicacy is a strong thick tonic wine that local youths drink usually in bushes that gets them as “aff their heids” as is humanly possible.
And so, ended another day in my life and I was safe in the knowledge that somehow life would never be the same again.

Now people of the normal variety (i.e. you posess none of the above) please find it in your hearts to stop this madness. The sheer safety of real labels such as louis vuitton and others is in jepoardy. All it takes is to adopt one of these “special people” take them down to your local shopping centre and for the love of god teach them something, trinny and susannah are in a state of panic.

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