Welcome to Gravesend. Set on the banks of the River Thames, Gravesend is a beautiful, cultural town which has everything to offer its residents and visitors.

Gravesend is proper nice innit.

Visitors should be aware that Gravesend follows a strict dress code. Given the apparent 24hour sunlight, residents have evolved into wearing a baseball cap 24hours a day 7days a week. These are available from any local poundshop and can be bought in a variety of designs (so long as they resemble the burberry tartan).

The health and exercise programme in Gravesend requires the youth to always be ready for some exercise by wearing only sports clothing. Anything by Kappa will surffice. To encourage this programme, discounted Kappa clothing is available from Dave in the market square innit.

Thinking of dining in Gravesend? Gravesend offers a range of international cuisine. If its a special occasion, one can feast on contemporary American cuisine on the highstreet in ‘McDonalds’. Here, customers can purchase such culinary delights as “Cheesebur-ga en Chips innit”. For the more distinguished food lover, a Weatherburger is available from the Robert Pocock, a unique public house which also serves a variety of traditionally made WKD’s and Smirnoff Ice’s.

Visitors should be aware that the local youth are very active in defending the proud image and name of Gravesend and may politely confront those who walk past them or go about their own business peacefully. This is perfectly normal behaviour for the area. If in doubt, simply ask the youths for the time. This should allow ample time to walk away whilst the youths first overcome their confusion, then reveal their genuine DKNY time-pieces and then wonder why they do not seem to be working, and then discuss amongst themselves how ‘blingin’ eachothers watches are.

Ever the forward thinkers, young residents of Gravesend have made slight modifications to their automobiles in order to enhance their performance. To advertise this, drivers ensure onlookers will take notice by playing ‘music’ at top volume, free of charge to the local area.

Some important translations for visitors:

INNIT = Does it not? (note, this does not require an answer)

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? = this is stated after every sentance to confirm the validity of the statement put forth by the local Gravesendian.

GAAN DAAN THE SPOONS INNIT= this refers to frequenting the before-mentioned Robert Pocock public house.

DAAN THE PROM INNIT = Referring to a local area of beauty, the Gravesend Promenade.

This conludes a short introduction and visitors guide to the charming town of Gravesend. Whether it be for those requiring decorative artwork from a key on ones car, those seeking verbal abuse, those wanting to taste the locally produced imported Belgian Beer, or those who simply have no sense and a will for foolhardiness…..Gravesend is the place for you!

Ah Gravesend…. The spiritual home of the ****.

Much has been made about Chatham *****, but I believe that Gravesend is the true birthplace of Chavdom.
What can I say about the place – other than it is the haemorhoids on the **** of Britain.
Do not go and live there under any circumstances!
Unless of course, you want to start lowering your IQ, losing any ‘culture’ you may have, and generally start regressing back to an amoeba.
Gravesend has nothing going for it, the only locals left are white trash and pensioners who can’t afford to move out.
You can be living on what was once a decent estate and there will be burnt out houses, cars getting broken into, the locals are all thick, there is nothing to do, it is dangerous to go into town at night, the pubs are full of nutters or under age drinkers looking for fights, it is an ugly place – an oil refinery over the Thames, it is full of ****** and other outcasts / rejects, DO NOT GO THERE!
Many of the ****** you see in Chatham high street actually come from Gravesend, down the rail line. They try and force you to buy a flower – tell them firmly to go away. (You will see them at Charing Cross Station in London – that is the end of the lien for them – yes, they all come from Gravesend.)

As for the **** of Southend – they are the lowest of the race – completely thick, no culture, education or self respect – only the love of the max – powered wreck of a car and shagging some thick 14 year old with perm and Croydon face lift.
What can I say? That this government should use a Strategic nuclear warhead to flatten the place – ok you are left with a radioactive crater, but anything is better than what is there now, and it is for the good of the country.

How grim is your Postcode?

All the ***** in Gravesend are complete twats! The love to hang out outside Muckdonalds or down the prom. They can’t afford Burberry (not even fake) and love to drink White Lightning and Wife Beater until they start a fight with each other or some poor defenseless 12 year olds! I have a gang of about 20 that hang out in my street and they even bring their kids in prams with them on the weekend so that their Nan doesn’t have to take them down the Bingo hall! These are very sad ***** that like to shag in abandoned garages and are nearly all Gingers!
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Well lets see now…Gravesend must have been one of the first **** spots in England, excluding Chatham of course. ***** in Gravesend certainly think that they are hard, and unfortunatly, yes, the little ****** Bois do attack people from inside a bin. The ***** like to hand out in the local ‘Pigeon House’on Windmill Hill. This ‘Pigeon House’ is a dark, old, musty building where the ceiling looks like it will fall down all the time. Inside this house is an endless supply of ciggarette butts and Stella Artois cans. Literally. An ENDLESS supply.
Another local spot for the **** is Bluewater. Here the **** can frolic and play by the lakes edge, or if they dont wish to do this they can ‘moosh’ on over to the escalators and ‘Hang’ there for 3 hours before there **** parents rings and swears many times at the child.

A note to the reader: DONT go to Gravesend if you want to have a peaceful existance as the ***** will invade your home with beer cans (Stella Artois of course)

Another note: DONT have children in Gravesend-here’s why:-

Boys-Your little wonderous boys will eventually turn into a lil ****. By the age of 10 they will have either started smoking or have lost their virginity to some girl called Janine or something like that. The boys will also genuinly hate you, and demand money constantly, and demand it even if you just gave them your last fifty, or monkey or something which they will call it.

Girls-Your beautiful little girls will become a professional ******* by the age of 12. By ******* I mean someone who offers them selves on a plate to random young boys. They will often have more than one boyfriend and will become little Harlots. The girl would have been ‘Fingere innit mush’ by the age of 9 and probably would have had *** with Tyler from down the road, got pregnant and had a child called Anita.

Y DO YOUZ LOT BOVA MAKIN UP A ***** SITE JST 2 BAD MOUF *****! DER ENT EVEN NEFIN RNG WID US, ITZ ***** PRIKZ LYK U LOT HU GOEZ RND CHATTIN **** GIVIN US A BAD NAME! SERIUSLY ENT NUN OV YA GT NEFIN BETA 2 DO DEN BAD MOUF CHAVZ. TRUST THO IF YA CM DWN GRAVESEND U WUDNT SAI NE OV D STUF U SAI ON ERE 2 A CHAVZ FACE! UR ALL ***** MOUF ON D NET N **** BT WEN IT CMZ DWN 2 IT U ***** **** YASELVEZ. DER AINT NAINK RNG WID GRAVESEND AT ALL, SO Y BOVA POSTIN MSGZ SAYIN OW **** IT IZ… NO1 HU LIVEZ ERE SEEMZ 2 AV A PROB WID IT OVAWISE DEY WUD MOVE! Y DNT U FIND SUMMIN BETA 2 DO LYK GOIN OUT N GETIN A LIFE INSTED OV SPENDIN IT SITTIN IN FRONT OV A COMPUTA SLAGIN US ALL OFF! U LOT R PRBZ ALL ***** LIL GRUNGERZ NEWAY DATZ Y UV GT A ***** PROB! YA ALL ***** MOUF N TLK OUT YA ***** ****!! NUFF SED!!!

How has this fleapit of south-eastern chavdom escaped mention thus far? The town’s per capita average weight of fake gold likely outweighs most Zurich banks, while the number of sportswear-clad ****** exhibiting naff tattoos, spiky but balding hair, lardy girlfriends and parents with the combined IQ of a ******** housefly seems to increase massively every week.

It is impossible to describe the increasing **** culture of the town unless you live there. Visit any pub after 10pm on a weekend night and you invite the permanent imprint of a chip-******** sovereign ring upon your chin.

Moreover, the short-skirt brigade of chavgirls, in their 26ft-diameter plastic white earrings fail to appreciate that cellulite and belly fat will be their lot once their first baby pops out at 15. Well done Gravesend *****, the world laughs at you in your hovels, your souped-up Ford Capris and the nightly kicking you take form your **** dad every Friday night.

How grim is your Postcode?

Well, Gravesend as a whole is one of Kent’s finest **** establishments (one of the only places more ****** I have found is Broadstairs). Take a walk through the town centre and you will find an abundance of ***** – it’s like being in a zoo. Conversations with many of the locals is challenging to say the least, and you must watch out for flying coca-cola cans etc.

There are, however, areas which ***** seem to prefer over others. For example, the “Dickens/Denton Region” which houses the occasional horses, plus large consignments of stolen building materials, ***** caravans and oddly-painted houses.

The “Kings Farm Region” is on the outskirts of Gravesend and is a great hangout for *****, whose local pleasures include the bombing of phone boxes, industrial-strength garden firework displays and stealing cars and crashing them into doctors’ surgeries.

The “Wallis Park Region” is a very interesting place – taxi drivers refuse to enter it, and I have experienced first-hand the attempted stoning and outside riding of minibuses. Each visit to Wallis Park will unearth different “teasures” to be found in the car park area, such as army vehicles, printers, mattresses and washing machines. Wallis Park is very much like a “butlins from hell”, and the holiday theme is carried out particularly in the summer when many half-naked children run around and loud B*witched music is being played.
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