Written by Anonymous. Posted in East Anglia, Essex, United Kingdom

Since Ilford and Romford are now overflowing with shops for the native chav to purchase their cheap gold from, it’s no suprise to find them flocking in their multitudes and living in (rather scummy) houses in Goodmayes.

Mayfair Comprehensive Haiku
Purple green clothed Beast,
Burberry cap with kebab ,
Slurried ghetto speech .

Anyone who lives in Goodmayes / Seven Kings / Chadwell Heath (or “Chadderz” as the locals named it) should understand the haiku…

If you haven’t yet seen or been near a p***e chavster (they smell rather foul so I’d be suprised if you haven’t), then here’s a decription for you:

They all come out of school at around 3:15pm shrieking and screaming at each other in shrill tones. Then, they decide to get some kebabs (or if they’re feeling different , some Deep-Fried chicken) and they sit and feast on their fatty chavy s**t.

Then they seem to congregate like a rabble of geese around bus stops, terrorising the townfolk whilst throwing missiles at each other (in my past experience the following projectiles have been spotted accelerating over Goodmayes Park : half-consumed chicken drunksitck ; kebab ; Vodka bottle; empty packet of “fags”; cheap Argos Elizabeth Duke Hoop “Bling” earings , etc. )

For some f*****g strange reason, the pikies and chavs ADORE wearing “zip-up hoodies” with random graffiti and setences splattered all over them. Allegedly, wearing sentences across your shoulders is seen as “wicked” or “immense”.
And a Chav just loves to wear his/her/its keys around its neck on a stupid designer rope. We hope they get the rope caught in their fugly (f*****g-ugly) hoop earings and asphyxiate, but we dream in vain…

On a weekend, a Goodmayes Chav loves to catch a 128 bus down to Ilford and hang outside/inside the Cineworld. They seem to think that watching films will make them cultured, but instead they just make out with one another in the back rows.

WHERE TO SPOT CHAVS IN THE LOCAL “GHETTO” AREA

Ilford Cineworld
Greenlane, outside the Sommerfield OR inside the Budgens (2 v. chavy places)
In any of the numerous Kebab outlets (e.g. Original Kebab Ltd. on Goodmayes Lane)
In the JJB sports near Newbury Park
300 metre radius around ChavCentral Mayfair School
Goodmayes Park (where they graffiti on the swings and throw alchopops into the pond, evil w*****s)
MacDonalds (the one next to the shitty ALDI )
Trying to buy fags in one of the many Tabocconists

The only place WITHOUT chavs is Goodmayes Train Station (they’re probably too thick to know how to catch a train, bloody idiots)

That’s all I have to say, though there must be more. WAIT, one last thing:
DO NOT go to Tesco in Goodmayes on a friday night, a Chav WILL fire a trolley at you. If you see anyone wearing a cap, a hooded jacket, AND a parka coat all at once, please avoid at all costs. Thank you




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