Come to our beloved City of Gloucester! Vistors will note on arrival to our fine city (if youre lucky enough to actually get a train that stops there); your first port of call will probably be our bus station. However you come by car, dont leave it unattended as some jobsworth traffic warden is likely to ticket it. And dont leave it up town on a Friday or Saturday night. You might not have a car left for a ticket to be slapped on!
Marvel at the filth of our bus station and if you’re unlucky you’ll encounter your first chav or wino. Cross the road (try to avoid looking up and avoid the broken run down offices of Grosvenor Square) and you’ll find yourself in Kings Square. Another architectual masterpiece of Gloucester. Note the teenage chavs hanging about and to your right the middle age wasters, pissheads and winos drinking and cursing in the midday sun. Also note our wide selection of winos, Eastern Europeans, Religious Nuts, chavs, beggers and weirdos as well. Hurry on and look at our magnifcent shops. On a budget? No worries! Delight at our Poundshops, we have dozens. We’re even thinking of renaming our city “poundland” You’re never more than two minutes away from one. What a bargain! And if you fancy doing your neighbours garden shed we have plenty of glorified pawn shops you can fence the goods out of.
The most exclusive shop we have is WH Smith but dont hang around. Beware of the “Chuggers” They hunt in pacts around the Guildhall ready to pounce on unsuspecting victims with any subject from orange juice, stopping people getting electric probes on the nuts and the prevention of rabbits wearing lipstick. Have a look at our amazing indoor shopping centre too. Gaze in awe at the empty units before moving on. Keep moving, keep in the overhang of buildings as youre likely to get s**t on.Walking anywhere in Gloucester is like being on the end of a lufftwaffe bombing run.Anything that moves Seagulls will crap on. Sums it up really. and if you like a bit of animal magic you maybe lucky to see a rat chewing on a disgarded maccy dees that some chav has thrown down. But if youre really upper class why not go to “the mall” in the docks. Dont be fooled by the signs, this is more dud propoganda from our great city leaders. Another white elephant of empty shops and false hopes.
Now if you’re really brave you could have a night out in Gloucester and sample our nightlife. You have two choices – Eastgate Street (personally i’d only venture down there on a Friday/Saturday night with a bullet proof vest on armed with a cattle prod); or our amazing pubs over by the bus station. Here you’re liable to die of thirst trying to get to the bar and trying to get served. Personally I’d rather have a night out in Mogadishu. It would be a lot safer. To quote Apocalypse Now – “You’re in the asshole of the world”. No doubt you’ll end up in a large pub; a familiar chain. You can’t miss this one. Unfortunately its policy of dirt cheap prices attracts every type of chav,pisshead and scumbag on a weekend and has killed the last bastion of “normal” pubs where you could at least have a quiet pint,hear yourself think and get served in under 3 hours. If you’re familar with Star Wars and the Mos eisley scene; pub full of weidos, scumbags and two headed monsters, this is what this place is all about on a Saturday Night. Look for the early 20s chav type whose pissed after 2 pints of old rosie. Also listen to the unique communication skills outside on the smoking veranda where the average chav can’t refrain from using the word “f**k” or worse for more than 20 seconds.New Legisation has just been bought in too ref “the dangerous dogs act”. It needs reinforcing in this place. Half the women in there probably have rabies. And they do bite! Characteristics; foaming at the mouth whilst drinking vodka and redbull, colourful language and face like a welders bench. Look out for the “L” plates usually attached to some ugly tart dressed as a schoolgirl, nun, maid or bride. Majority of these women are so ugly and foul, you have to question the sanity of the guy whose gonna marry them! Elsewhere girls who might aswell wear nothing at all mill around pissed. Its amazing what you can squeeze into a mini skirt;its positivey obscene in many cases. Most of these girls should be in bed by 7pm and youre tempted to call the school truancy officer.For your own safety keep away from the dancefloor. Here you will see Gloucesters finest; the leopard skin dress variety. Huge tree trunked arms and legs variety, heavily tatooed and 20 pounds of gristle packed into a dress 20 sizes too small. Only observe in short bursts, never make eye contact and beware! One might flash their sagging tits or bare their arse. This will definately put you off your pint or late night doner on the way home! If one of these birds put you in a bear hug you’re a gonna. Personally half the people in this establishment are that ugly they’d be better employed at an airport sniffing luggage.
Five mins away is another street full of “fun pubs”.This part of town on a weekend resembles a cross between an infant school and a loony bin. Hve of those there should be drinking milk not VK red. This is most apparent later when the casulties deposit the contents of their stomach into the gutter, get thrown out or pick a fight with the door gorrillas outside. Look out for the “chav van” which does the circuit too, which the police load up with chavs, scumbags and muppets they scoop up from the gutter. But you fancy some real late night sport check out one of the nearby kebab houses or taxi rank. Always good for a casual punch up, tarts screaming or mouthing off and some good “ultra violence” when it all kicks off and goes down. And finally dont walk home through the park unless youre SAS trained in hand to hand combat. Youre likely to get mugged and arrive home in just your underpants. Mind you round here theyre likely swipe those aswell!
By: glos resident