"I cannot believe that on a site dedicated to the ****, no mention is made of Scotland’s second city: Glasgow. A city that represents the very cradle of life for the Scottish Ned, when it comes to unattractive social behaviour; what Glasgow is to Scotland, the USA is to the rest of the world. Nedism isn’t a strata of society in Glasgow it is a way of life. Thousands of children from before they are even born are inculcated with what is known as "The Tao of the Ned." Indeed, their very conception is rooted in that ethos.

Jaundiced babies swaddled in burberry romper suits become spotty toddlers that are taught the rudiments of shoplifting. These children are no less loved by their parent, after all who couldn’t love a child that represents a skeleton key for all that the social security has to offer. Housing, free money, milk tokens (Fresh or powdered?) income support and Brew money to name but a few.

On reaching double figures, (some would argue, on reaching an age beyond which the common ned cannot count.) Our young oik leaves its chrysalis form and spreads its pallid malnutrated bekappa’d arms and embraces the world with one hand and a bottle of buckfast with the other. Already well advanced in the art of anti-social behaviour but at this time not brave enough to leave the grounds in which it grew up. The Ned goes forth into its housing estate and begins the time honoured ‘Ritual of the Young Ned.’ Adding to the already over flowing heaps of broken buckfast bottles, increasing Scotland’s teenage pregnancy rates not to mention the proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases, throwing stones or bottles or anything that comes to hand toward anything that comes within site. All this coupled with a volatile unreasonable attitude. Making decent hardworking citizen’s life miserable is the hallmark of the classic Glasgow ned.

How grim is your Postcode?

But what sets the Glasgow Ned apart? Imagine a genetically enhanced Cyborg Ned, increased durability, no concept of fear and a level of solipsism hitherto unknown in history. Bright white trainers (mugged of a Bearsden victim,) socks with bright white shellsuit bottoms tucked into them, (both shoplifted from JJB or possibly Poundstretchers depending on the class of ned,) a Ben Sherman top, (courtesy of Topman although not necessarily paid for) and a tracksuit top, (not necessarily matching, shoplifting being a quixotic activity.) All this topped off with a baseball cap, a *** cupped in the hand and a steady stream of foul language with possibly a nedette on one or both arms to serve as a carrier for all of the Alpha-**** STD’s.

These are dangerous creatures and must not be approached, on Sauchiehall Street or in the suburbs (except maybe Kelvinside where they all pretend to be from Edinburgh) There is no safe haven! From the Maryhill Massif to the Shettleston Young Team: BEWARE! The only possible defense is a machine gun, which are freely available in most of Glasgow’s Cash Generators.

Of course, to be completely safe, Edinburgh is a much nicer city with a far more civilized and cultured populace. Even our **** are polite, the one draw back is that the beggars expect a note instead of a coin…"

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