North East

Situated just to the east of **** ******** Leeds, Garforth appears perfectly pleasant enough on first impressions. Admittedly it’s high street is rather hideous, but away from the main litter strewn thoroughfare much of the town has the illusion of middle class respectability. However anyone who’s foolish enough to spend more than about 5 minutes here will quickly realise the town is about as endearing as a tramp with crotch rot. Come nightfall, the toothless locals whip off their leggings and shellsuits and put on their finest New Look or Ben Sherman for a night on the town. For the girls, it’s desirable to show as much of your knickers as possible on these occassions, just a hint of knicker elastic won’t do. A Garforth girl wears her thongs way up her back bareing a good foot of fat ****, which she’ll flash at the lads at every oportunity. The Garforth male however can be divided into 2 groups, the cultured specimens board the sputum express to Leeds with the fat arsed tarts for a good fight and a **** in Squares. The less cultured variety however believing the far away city is ******** with queers and gay bars, prefer a night in t’miners arms or that other **** tip a few bricks throws from the train station. These bastions of redneckery are best avoided at all costs unless you have a spiders web tattooed on your forehead and a Rottweiler in tow. Come closing time, most of the pissed up invertibrates spill into one of the local kebab houses where they hurl racial abuse at the staff, stupid enough not to realise that the Turkish bugger they’ve just insulted has probably just gobbed in their burger round the corner. Then it’s out onto the bleak high street for a fight and a ****, though not necessarily in that order, before painting the pavement with the burger they’d just eaten 5 minutes prior. The Garforth slappas in Leeds meanwhile are busy with their knickers round their ankles being rogered by Steve a labourer from Gipton, while the male arsewipes are preoccupied with shouting abuse at Pakistani taxi drivers or anyone who looks ‘a bit gay’. In Garforth, just not having a thick local accent is enough to label you as a person who bats for the other team, and invariably will land you with a good kicking. All in all, a total ********.

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