I cannot believe that nobody has mentioned the motherlode of all **** towns that are Fishguard and Goodwick. They are situated in a very beautiful place – right on the sea, lovely little fishing harbour in Lower Fishguard, ferry port to Ireland in Goodwick. There’s beaches, there’s walks and there is plenty of fresh air. It’s in the National Park, for ****’s sake. BUT DO NOT BE FOOLED.
Behind the cute exterior lie some of the most horrible people in existence. I can at least understand how people in, say, Oxford imitate London accents – it’s only an hour away, But Fishguard is SIX HOURS away and the pasty tracksuited youths STILL walk around going ‘Alright blud?’. Gay people, non-whites, in fact, ANYONE who is slightly different, stay away. THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, SO THEY’LL PROBABLY TRY AND **** YOU UP. They sit on Fishguard Square, shouting abuse at anyone and everyone, drinking WKD and getting into cars with exhaust pipes the size of industrial-sized baked bean cans and massive spoilers. They are, in short, complete morons.
There used to be a ‘club’ at a ‘hotel’ called the Brynawelon in nearby Letterston – you had to catch a bus to get there (this is how **** Fishguard is). The headmaster of the local school used to turn up on the door at Christmas and tell the staff who was old enough to come in. They lost quite a bit of business that night. Now the Bryn is shut, everyone aged 11+ stays at the Coach House – Fishguard’s equivalent of TGI’s – and dances to the truly awful music they play, takes speed (the **** drug of choice) in the toilets and goes off with some no-neck **** rugby player for *** in a piss-filled alleway, of which Fishguard has many to choose from.
There are a couple of dodgy housing estates that have been around forever, such as Stop and Call and Maeshyfryd, renowned for gold jewellery, tracksuits, teenage mothers and sackfuls of Mad Dog 20/20, but the worst by far is the newest estate, Dan-y-Bryn – renamed Dan-y-Bronx by locals. And so it should be.
When you consider that these two towns are TINY – the populations combined are considerably less than 10,000 – it makes the **** concentration even higher. I can’t walk from my parents’ house to the shop and back without seeing perms, prams and perma-tans. It makes Bermondsey, my current location, seem like Balmoral in comparison.
The only place worse than Fishguard is Rosslare – where the ferry from Fishguard goes to…