Ellesmere Port. Cheshire, Property guide and review
  Written by Anonymous. Pic Via

Ellesmere Port is a f**king toilet. Perched on the edge of the Shell Stanlow oil refinery and other associated chemical works and toxic dumping grounds, it boasts a broad selection of the most indolent, ugly & stupid inhabitants you could ever hope to see.

The town centre had a McDonalds and a KFC facing each other which were generally swarming with the long-term unemployed and their offspring. Sadly they have now both closed. Just up the road was “The Knot” a local hostelry, which offered a warm welcome to any of the genetically challenged unemployed shite from the locale before it was demolished. Oh and it`s own village idiot in the shape of a chromosome missing halfwit twat who stands in the doorway drinking cans of piss from the off licence next door “because it`s cheaper than the pub ale & I`m smoking a spliff” Priceless. Failing that try going under the flyover and take a romantic stroll along the allegedly heavily polluted Manchester ship canal and take in some of that lovely chemical rich air, dead seabirds and motorway carbon monoxide, before visiting the national award winning Boat and Heritage Museum.

For the fashion conscious you could always pay a visit to the inevitable, overcrowded, f**k awful former McArthur Glen shopping mall (now “redeveloped” and called the Cheshire Oaks Outlet village, Mmm classy) which is one of the many which have sprung up around the country offering cut price clothing “bargains” and even more franchised junk food outlets. Just the ticket for your latest tracksuit, bling & an acne / heart condition top up. It is such a draw, that people come from all over the North West by coach to visit this mecca to mediocre consumerism.

Finally, years ago, you could have rounded your visit off with a drink and a dance at “Destiny & Elite” or as the locals called it “Desperate & Easy”, the hamlet’s premier nightspot where you could chat to the largest selection of ladies with missing teeth in the northwest before getting filled in in the toilets / car park / taxi rank. These days, you have to venture into Chester to places like Rosies that has “Rude staff and a very aggressive host in the VIP area” according to a Google review and the “Corridors smell of vomit”.




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