So, you’ve found yourself in Elephant and Castle? My condolences. Well, while you try and find the nearest possible exit, why not stop for a moment to marvel at the many wonders that we have to offer here!
You ever heard of Michael Faraday? He was born here, and you better believe we’re gonna let you know about it. As you leave the safety of the tube station and push past the Jehovah’s witnesses, gaze in awe at the large metal monstrosity that looks like a cremation oven, and wonder who thought this was the very best we had to offer. Considering it’s just a substation, we’re proud to say that it’s easily one of the UK’s most offensive to look at, and that even Faraday himself would likely disapprove at the sheer lack of effort.
And while on the topic of eyesores, simply turn around and bask in the almost cinematic glow of the Elephant and Castle shopping centre! You might think this was a set piece commissioned for the film ’28 days later’, or perhaps ‘Shaun of the Dead’, but you’d be wrong. This bad boy hasn’t been maintained in years, and oh man does it show. Gasp at the fact it’s even still standing, and maybe even treat yourself to a look inside. As you walk down the piss soaked steps, you’ll find yourself in one of the UK’s least interesting malls, but wait, there’s more! Take a walk to the upstairs level, and try not to be too amazed at the almost real life simulation of a black hole they’ve managed to construct up there, as that floor is completely void of any redeeming traits or businesses worth visiting, truly vapid and empty. If you dare to explore further, take a trip up to the final floor, which has escalators going upwards, but never down. Ironic, as anyone going up there is going to play bingo, so the escalators serve as a nice metaphor for how easy it is to get into gambling, and how difficult it is to get back out.
A place is more than it’s landmarks though, so be inspired by the sheer harmony of this place, as you look upon Elephant and Castle’s citizens gliding by each other with that classic look of London-brand ‘discontent’. Admire the residents absolute refusal to acknowledge that there is a perfect 50/50 split between the locals who actually have a livelihood there, and the transient students who just reside there to drink and screech like evil spirits at night. While these groups might be very different, smile in the knowledge that they share a common unifying bond, smelling of weed and having clinical depression.
Speaking of our beloved student population, we’re home to not one, but two universities! Oh yes. Isn’t that.. fun. Be humbled at the sight of these naive souls getting a small taste of the London life for a fraction of the price. With a mix of self-admiring UAL students and self-pitying LSBU students, they’ll create the perfect mix to ensure that you’ll never get a seat at any actually decent place to eat or drink.
For that matter, are you perhaps hungry for a bite to eat? We’ve got you covered, with food to suit all price ranges! Ranging from overly expensive artisan hipster bullshit, all the way to cheaper meals with a 100% chance of food poisoning, that’ll ensure that no matter which option you pick, you’ll feel equally mugged off!
All in all, there’s a ****** charm to the place, which can be admired if you look hard enough. Like really hard. Harder than that. Keep looking… Alternatively just hop back on the tube and go literally anywhere else.
Hackney – Be careful what you wish for…
Earl’s Court, London
Dartford: once a thriving market town, now in decline
Thamesmead, one of the hottest up-and-coming charvo towns ever
Bexleyheath – a hive of villainy
Hounslow is looking pretty rough these days
West Hendon – A greyer shade of grey
Whitton, Twickenham…Where’s it all gone?