Eastwood, you’ve a choice between Morrisons or Iceland for your micro-chips & blue pop

Come to sunny Eastwood, heart of England! There is plenty for you to do during your stay! It is very close to some of the other towns mentioned on this site, and is definitely of their ilk. See the articles posted on Selston, Alfreton and Somercotes to get the feel for this particular area of the East Midlands. The area used to be entirely devoted to coal mining, and the death of that industry has freed the local population to pursue other interests such as scraping back their hair until their skin ruptures, claiming unemployment benefit, and having children.

Eastwood’s population has a unique culture. It is almost entirely noctunal, which contributes to the distinctive waxy skin-tone of the locals. The local cuisine is in evidence everywhere. Whether in pools of ****-vomit, or the attractive packaging that literally litters the streets with it’s bright and fascinating cardboard hues.

Where to go during your stay? You are absolutely spoiled for choice. There are two main piazzas, one called the Hollies where the market shows up, and is situated between the Co-Op, Peacocks and “Cheapest Cigs and Booze in Town” (that is the shop’s actual name.) The Hollies is where the local motor sports take place. Why not go and watch as the most Kevved-up cars you have ever seen assemble, rev their engines and then drive down to the abandoned petrol station at high speed! This is about half a kilometre away on relatively straight road, which runs past the other main square, the paved bit outside the Library and the Wellington pub. As you wait for the bus to return you to the metropolis of Nottingham, have a look at the vivacious youngsters. If you can spot one of them actually going in to the library, you win a prize! This square is directly opposite the police station, a rather lovely Victorian affair. Sadly, as the police put one P.C. in there a month between 12 noon and 12:05 on a day with an ‘r’ in it, you may wish to use prayer as a more reliable method of crime detection and prevention. If you prefer another **** activity to sitting around shouting at passers-by or **** motor-racing, you could go to Coronation Park to shoot scag, or St. Mary’s churchyard to have *** with underage girls.

Despite being a very small town, Eastwood is well equipped with pubs and chippies. There are no fewer than 5 chippies on Nottingham Road. Visit the Nelson pub, and try to come out alive!

If you don’t want to eat out, there is plenty of local produce to keep you happy. Never mind that all the local butchers and greengrocers have closed, you have a wide choice between the Co-Op, Morrisons or Iceland for your micro-chips and blue pop.

There are two must-see places during your stay. The first is M.F.N., Eastwood’s local nightclub. Originally an attractive pub by the canal called the Shipley Boat, M.F.N. was acquired by the drummer out of ‘Shawaddy-Waddy’, and is thus a showbiz mecca, filled with memorabilia from its owners glory days. As it is out in the country, M.F.N. stand for ‘Miles From Nowhere’. Don’t fret, the club is entirely self contained, and instead of going to a kebab-shop after your night out, why not buy you toxic burger while there! The experience of world music inside the club is only enhanced by the local colour of the queue for taxis afterwards. From fornication to fights and fountains of vomit, it is something to behold.

The other place is the D. H. Lawrence Birthplace Museum and Heritage Centre. This is an homage to the world-renowned author, who wrote telling descriptions of life in Eastwood in his novels, especially ‘Sons and Lovers’. The local council who run the museum are mystified as to why Lawrence never returned to Eastwood, preferring Tuscany, New Mexico and the Riviera, as does anyone who has never been to the town, or read one of his books. This heritage is the focus of Eastwood’s post-mining regeneration as a centre for commerce an tourism, enhanced by the only mildly dangerous ‘American Adventure’ theme park and the vast edifice of Ikea Nottingham, and which truly makes Eastwood a much better place to live in than the surrounding towns. You can imagine what a lovely part of the country this is. Look out for the signs from the M1, and try to resist the temptation to break the speed limit to get there.

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