i forgot to mention that i actually saw a ******** taking a dump behind a brick wall near a church just off the high street. The only reason I know she was ‘dumping’ was by her group of cackling and screaming mates pointing this grim fact out to all and sundry.
The sad thing was that it was a low wall and though she was squatting you couldnt help but see her face over the top of it. Sacrilege really!

Ealing?? I hear you say-prim middle class borough of west london???
Yes several years ago ealing was a pillar of middle classness with a bohemian set of youth drinkers and partygoers. Suddenly and for some hitherto unknown reason ****** from uxbridge, ruislip and hayes seemed drawn to the place of a saturday afteroon/evening.
Let me take you on a journey…..a ****-eye view of ealing. Saturday starts bright and early on the 207 bus from anywhere west of ealing to right outside the Waterglade Centre-thus avoiding the need to do any exercise whatsoever before munching through a Happy Meal (gotta keep the energy up for shopping). Then a lengthy waddle through the shopping centre to Mecca-aka JD Sports. While Sports shops selling anything required to actively participate in a sport have long since been boarded up JD Sports continues to peddle Sports clothing. The result is that you look get all these extremely misshapen people walking around looking as though they’ve got every intention of doing somthing but never quite getting there. Lets face it-if you’re carting round 20kilos of solid 9carat plated bling the you get all the exercise you need. have you seen the calves on some of these women-enough to make Henry VIII blush. A few times one of them has walked passed me and I’ve courtseyed thinking it was the Lord Mayoress. I cant be completely ungrateful though. U had a biology lesson the other day when a middleaged **** bent over to reprimand her pitbull and something appeared in her leggings that looked remarkably like a penis. Now I’m not saying that this ******** had had a *** change-that is much too liberal a thing for such people to even consider, but it did make me wonder whether evoltuion may be coming to the rescue of society. Intrigued I took a step forward and on closer inspection noticed a shabby cleave and realised that this was either a readers wife or she was packing a sawn off in her shreddies and was about to rob Maccy D’s.
Suffice to say her brute of a dog started foaming at the mouth and I scuttled off feeling somewhat confused.
But then I realsied something, we do have something to be grateful to the ***** for-Wayne Rooney. So the next time you go eyeball to eyeball with a spam faced woman in lycra with cimbals ******* from her ears and a scrapeback just remember that the future of english football is spawned from those loins. And run away!
But dont run to Macdonalds or Burger King, because when the bells chime 11pm and herald spewing out time from the TownHouse Burger King becomes a Fight Club mecca. I once sidled in there for a cheeseburger (when I was unanointed in the ways of the townie) and was treated to a guy doing drunken roundhouses. He got his head kicked in.
So-the bottom line is avoid ealing at the weekends unless of course you come from Hastings in which case it will seem like a veritable haven.