This isn’t quite the land of ***** but it’s not far off it! I lived there for over a year and there were some truly chavish sights to be seen.
If they weren’t racing up and down the tiny high street in their “Fast and the Furious” Nova cars, in their Burberry caps, trackie bottoms tucked into their socks, they were dressing like ….. well I don’t really know what like. Well the blokes all looked the same, dark trousers, black shoes, Ben Sherman (or something along those lines) shirts, hair done to within in an inch of their life. Although some of the more fashion conscious tried to look more 80’s. Oh Mullet Man from Scuzz tv would be proud I tell you that! But the women – well some were mutton dressed as lamb (although they could have been 15 – it’s so hard to tell when they are wearing 10 ton of make up. Others would have been wearing more if they just had bra and knickers on (Non matching just like their *ahem* “collar and cuffs”). They spend a third of their time, drinking WKD Blue, a third of their time dancing very VERY badly and a third of their time adjusting their skimpy attire.
Their local Thursday, Friday, Saturday night haunts are….
The Litten Tree, – never been their but I think you had to be blonde to get in or at least fake blonde as most of them were.
The Bull and Vic (This is really called the Victoria and Bull but due to their simple minds and what can be said easily when drunk they call it the Bull and Vic – even the staff have it on their tops! Sadly this was also one of my most popular old haunts this and the next pub)
The Paper Moon (although this is for older ***** really) it’s a Weatherspoons what more can I say?!
And the Toll Gate – but that is more for real Pikies (and trust me I’ve seen them). Such evening delights include starting fights at the entrance so no one can get out. Walking up and down the pub menacingly and oh yeah a fav. Dumping a bucket full of **** over the landlady (this is true!)
Then once it was kicking out time the ***** had three places they could go with in staggering distance of the above said pubs.
For those who were sad enough and want to impress they will go to Air (Formerly Zens) this place tries it’s hardest to be a serious club (one to rival the clubs of London) but fails miserably. Although if your drink of choice is WKD then you can get that in abundance.
For those who just wish to have a good time and again drink WDK until the cows come home then DA1 (formerly 3Ds). This was much more for the “normal” people or those who weren’t fully ****’d up. It’s big, rather dingy the decor is rather uninspiring – but still you didn’t have to spend 10 hours queuing for the ladies!
But Jay-Z’s was where it’s at! This where the lowest of the low went, the chavest of the ****. In fact some ***** wouldn’t go in there. I think they thought they had standards?! This was a place where you could wear tracksuits and still get in. If your thing is for mingers then this is minger heaven! Although I too have frequented this place on many a time. It’s music is even more cheesy than a van load of that posh (because it’s covered in wax) cheese Baby Bell – someone really did say that you know – yes they were a dirty ****!
Please feel free to question me or ask for more information.
But I think we should have a sub breed of **** the Dartford **** (as there is no other **** like the Dartford ****!)